J.K. Rowling has written the screenplay and while it has some issues it is a solid movie. The base story focuses on Newt Scamander (played by Eddie god I have no idea why, but I just hate you so much Redmayne) a wizard with a fascination for creatures that everyone else would call strange and dangerous. Some of those creatures get loose and he teams up with an American Auror, her sister, a Muggle to catch them. Intertwinded with all this is a dark sub plot about people who demand another Salem Witch hunt (Little did they know there was another one 30 or 40 years later) and politics of the Congress of Magic (American version of the Ministry). The effects for the creatures look great and they all have unique and cool designs. However this is a general gripe I have with a lot of movies, but they could have used SOME practical effects instead of just CG. I have some story issues with stuff that could have been cut or the twist I have an issue with, but considering they’re milking this for about 5 movies I won’t complain yet. I liked it and if you liked Harry Potter I highly recommend it. Final Verdict: 7/10 Wands

Is all the praise worth it? YEAH! This is one of the bleakest, darkest, and most terrifying movies I’ve seen in a long time! I didn’t see the trailer. I went in totally blind *rim shot*. I just thought it was about the people breaking into the house and then they get harassed by a ghost or something. NO! Its a movie that furthers my point that the most terrifying thing in any horror movie is how horrible people are. Do not think the Blind Man is innocent of all wrong doings. There is never a lax moment in this movie. You are always as scared as our characters are. The cinematography and lighting are incredible in this movie. I was honestly surprised when I saw that Fede Alvarez only directed one movie. Evil Dead remake (Which I reviewed back when I didn’t have a blog and remembered hating). He really knows how to use the natural light and the monochrome darkness in the basement is one of the most chilling pieces of cinema…until a few scenes later. That scene is when there IS no sound whatso ever. Its a terrifying minute of film that made me await the jumpsacre. And there wasn’t. There are next to no jumpscares in the movie. The only time I can remember is near the beginning and it’s to set up how savage that dog is! My only complaint is that they didn’t kill the fucking dog! That thing is a monster that almost killed them several times and only hindered them. EXTREMELY. Hell the girl (Rocky) should have broken her neck in the air vent scene. I’m shocked she managed to keep walking! Come to think of it. People are almost indestructible in this movie. The only thing that can kill them are guns I guess. All in all. See this movie if you want a good scare. Final Verdict 10 Blind Eyes out of 10

There is nothing here. I have fooled what little readers I have.

That was Season 1 and well…my feeling are obvious. It’s not terrible, it’s just underdeveloped. I liked a few episodes and the rest were either sleepers or just mediocre. Joel always seems like he’s going to fall asleep, Crow has yet to master his trademark snark, Gypsy is a lumbering thing that has no purpose explained yet, and Tom Servo. Oh god Tom. Josh Weinstein cannot get a laugh out of me! He is barely (if ever) funny and has the worst riffs of the trio! He gets much better. The rest of the show does. The sketches aren’t that funny, but there are some like the Fog and Shatner Hand Chocking sketches are funny. The highlight episodes are “The Crawling Eye”, “Slime People”, and “Black Scorpion”. On the flips side I find the episodes of “Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummy”, “Mad Monster”, “Crawling Hand”, “Project Moonbase”, and “Untamed Youth” are positively unbearable.

Ray Harryhousen! One of his earlier movies. When he was still working with Willis O’Brien. A volcano erupts and destroys a city and people are expelled from their home. Like Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummy this is a Mexican production so fear for the worst. Two guys drive up to the volcano and they talk about why an American is in Mexican soul to geology. The driving effect is so bad. They’re clearing not going in the way they’re driving. They cross the border and they hear a loud roar in the distance. They drive towards a gas station that looks like it was destroyed by the volcano. They find a torn up police car so they get suspicious. The professor (the native) talks to the cops on the radio. They hear more noises and instead of leaving after seeing the destroyed car, they walk towards it because they think it’s a rattlesnake. Turns out it’s a baby playing with a rattle. I wasn’t expecting that honestly. Good twist movie. They leave with the baby and they leave towards San Lorenzo. They hear more roars off in the distance and…they leave the baby. Smart move. I am just used to watching idiots. They go foreword and they find the dead cop.

After Crawling Hand, I’m honestly expecting them to leave the body there, but like smart people they report it and give all the info. They make it to San Lorenzo and the people immediately come them upon and the priest of the town comes to them and a lady takes the baby. They speak with the priest over dinner and they talk about the fear of the people. They sleep at the town for the rest of the night and cut to next morning. They are asked by a military guy to not go towards the trouble and if they do they’ll have to waste resources to find them. They go anyway and drive off to the area ruined by the volcano and they find a girl riding a horse. She falls off the horse and they drive off to find her. They meet her and she’s perfectly fine. A few bruises excluded and some wounded pride. The American and the cowgirl hit it off kin of well as the professor finds some rocks on top of rocks. Joel and the bots joke that they found the 10 Commandments. The rock he found was Obsidian and he shouldn’t be surprised. A volcano just erupted so obviously it would be there. They do some more bad driving shot and they drive back to San Lorenzo. Cowgirl talks to some other dudes in cowboy hats and they talk about them leaving the land. They agree though that they’ll return to help her though. They talk to a scientist and they find out that the cop was killed via poison. They bring up snakes and spiders, but not scorpions. Guess they don’t know the title of the movie. The scientist asks for some alcohol, Tequila, salt water, and the poison. Alcohol, salt water, and poison for the test. The tequila for what us Americans would call a coffee break. That was actually a pretty funny line. The cowboys ride off and the cowgirl’s land wasn’t destroyed apparently. So the professor and Scott (The American) meet up at the Cowgirl’s giant house and one of them goes off to shower. Scott and the cowgirl talk about sleeping together, but the professor brings up that they found a fossilized scorpion in the obsidian. The newest Fossil Pokémon! I think it should be a Bug, Fire type! They crack it open and the scorpion is alive. They’re about to go off, but the phone goes off. The universe just doesn’t want them to sleep together yet! They get a call saying that the phone lines were fixed, but a giant scorpion attacks the workers!

One of them just stands there and dies while the other wisely decides to stay on the pole. Another guy tries driving off, but his truck doesn’t start and he is killed. The pole guy is grabbed and killed. The kid in the house runs after the dog that fled (It just kind of happened) and he runs into the scorpion. Another volcano erupts and the people flee. Actually it’s the scorpion. The cops try to shoot with an upside down gun, but they can’t kill it. The village is destroyed and the people are forced to leave. They conclude they that the scorpion’s species was from thousands of years ago. So it could be the surviving scorpion from Clash of the Titans it just bred and reproduced somehow. Then they got bigger and bigger, somehow got to Mexico, and slept beneath a volcano. They plan to kill it with gas and I just realized that the kid was named Juanita. I prefer Juan Jon Silver (Inside joke that no one will ever get). He’s simply an annoyance. After crappier driving shots they find dead cows so at least they know they’re close to the thing. A horse rider falls down a mountain and they say they need to go to a lower level to save him. He’s dead. No shock. What they conclude though is that a recent earthquake made the crevice he fell down. If I were a gambling man, I’d say that the scorpion was living there. Juanita snuck on and everyone is fine with it. Why are kids in movies so dumb and annoying? Scott and the Professor go down the crevice via crane elevator with some canaries. Smart. They find the scorpion and they take a picture of it before bringing them highe- lower. Okay. You could arm yourselves with smoke stuff and drop that stuff ands – For gods’ sake! Juanita snuck down! This is why I hate kids. They whine, they complain, and only brush their teeth when they’re told because they’re too stupid to do otherwise (Bonus points it you get that reference)! As I was saying drop the smoke weapons and shoot at the scorpion from a distance to maximize safety. Looks like there is another giant creature. A giant inchworm maybe. Thank god I still have yet to see a giant centipede or millipede. (Shudders in disgust) SEVERAL scorpions show up and they don’t bother going back to the elevator.

More of a white scorpion than anything

Please tell me Juanita is just left down there when they escape. Ugh I hate kids. He leaves and starts wonder, but first GIANT MONSTER FIGHT! $20 says the scorpion wins!

I am right and it wins in mere seconds. Then the scorpion just cut’s it in half and starts eating it! Metal as hell. After watching the largest one kill, another scorpion they learn the weak point is the neck. Back to the dumbass he comes across a trap door spider and like an idiot he pulls it open, but before he can get caught and cocooned (Or whatever the term is) he runs out. He calls out for help and sadly the guys don’t ignore him.

He backs into a corner and he almost dies. Someone should beat some sense into him. ‘Wanted to help!’ You would help by simply not being here! A scorpion shows up and destroys the crane elevator leaving them all stranded because they looked for Juanita. They hold onto the wire and are slowly brought up. With ALL of them safe (Sadly the stupid child is still around). People just shrug off kids doing stupid things as kids! People should just scold this kid and give him a slap across the face. They set off some explosives and plug up the chasm. They leave for…a place and I’m fully expecting Juanita to hop out of the trunk of their car. They talk about killing the scorpions and next scene, some guy named Hank and the Cowgirl have dinner and drinks. A crap ton of scorpions show up and attack a train. The scorpions kill a ton of people and the remains flee. Then the scorpions fight amongst themselves for the food. The city is evacuated in preparation for the scorpion attack and we hear that the largest scorpion is the only one left due to killing the rest. The scorpion arrives and starts its massacre as the military waits for the scorpion to come to them. They lure the scorpion to the stadium where the military is waiting. They shoot it when it arrives and a guy launches a large harpoon at the scorpion’s throat and misses.

SHOOT HER!

They shoot again this time they succeed. There is a lot of reusing footage in this scene. Almost as bad as Robot Monster, but so not as bad as Robot V. The Aztec Mummy. The End! The opening segment is a party being thrown and I assume its cause of the end of the seasons. The Mads tried to make a cold fusion Walkman and it had mutated the two. Larry gets mutated and Dr. F is just a walking, talking skeleton. Pretty funny. Joel’s is a giant party blower. Next skit is them playing mariachi music at the party party and eat Mexican food. Like typical MST3K they flash up fake subtitles and it’s pretty funny. Next skit is the bots talking about Joel sleeping and Gypsy shows up with fangs. They also talk about how weird it is that he pees. Okay now I get Gypsy’s thing. She’s pretending to be the giant scorpion. Then they talk about shaving. People are weird. The skit thankfully ends with Gypsy attacking Tom and they explode. That was kind of funny. Next skit is Joel telling the bots about Willis O’Brien and Ray Harryhousen and why their work looks so similar. The stop motion effect for the giant scorpion is perfectly fine and typical Harryhousen and O’Brien effects, but the animatronic of the head isn’t that good. Even then it’s just because it’s ugly and doesn’t do anything other than drool. I’d just like to think that this is preparation for the scorpions from Clash of the Titans. This movie and episode were pretty good. Like I’ve said before I have a soft spot for cheesy monster movies like this so it’s touch to hate it. Well…Aside from Juanita! The episode was pretty funny to. I had a good time. Recommended!

Episode Rating – 7/10

Movie Rating – 7/10

Favorite Riff – “Now if you look to your left, you’ll see the rest of the train.”

Possible Stinger – The giant scorpion killing the giant worm in an instant

Episode – One of the few I cannot find

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdQxw0z44JQ

Tis a teensploitation. One of many we’ll see on the show. Starts with a guy in his mid twenties playing a teen. Typical for this genre. He’s running from the cops, but he is caught and dragged back to where he was fleeing. Okay to the start of the movie and…Two teens skinny-dipping. Then a cop shows up and refuses to turn around or leave, as they have to get out…Well this just took an awful start who’s with me? Also creepily smile, sneering through his cigar, and demanding that they get out. Jesus Christ people complain about cops now! Also the romantic saxophone in the background, the cop being disappointed when they have their clothes on, the creepy smiling! Jesus! Does this movie want me to be uncomfortable within the first two minutes? Yes this is only the first two minutes. I feel some hurting coming along very soon. So he arrests them. Something tells me he will rape them halfway along the trip. So they get brought to a courtroom and are sentenced to either thirty days confinement in jail or work at a farm. Sure they’ll be paid at the farm, but it’s long, manual, labor in the sun. Eh…I’d flip a coin. They decide to work the farm. This is unwise, as we’ll soon see. Also before they leave the judge’s son arrives from the navy and we see him. They meet the leader of the farm and oh god I’m getting bad feelings from him too. I’m sorry, but…I’m just getting this feeling from the creepy cop who spies on teenage girls and the plantation owner who calls a teenage girl “Baby” in a suggestive manner. Just because he’s bugging the SOL crew, and me what the hell is up with the guy bouncing around in the scene. So then the plantation owner fires a guy fro supposedly making out with a worker. This movie wants me to hate it doesn’t it? So plantation owner has a girl as a housekeeper and has her go back to picking cotton. Then she tries to seduce him into staying…This movie DOES want me to hate it! Cut to one of the girls singing for a few minutes. Sure it’s all right singing, but it’s nothing special.

Some guy shoves on the house girl and he also starts staring creepily at the underwear and towel clad underage girls. Is every male in this movie a creep!? Minor note, until the camera was practically right next to this sign that said, “Don’t spit on floor” I honestly thought it said, “Don’t shit on floor”. So they argue a bit and we see that the guys are peeping through their wall! Not gonna say anything about this one. At least they COULD be the same age! Then the house girl and the guitar-playing sister get into an argument and start fighting. One of the girls sprays some cream in the peephole right into the dude’s eye. Good! He is now possibly blind. The plantation owner breaks the fight up and now house & guitar girl are friends due to how tough they are. Okay. The judge’s son shows up and gets a job at the plantation. He starts driving a tractor. The plantation owner argues with some other owners. The people are unhappy and then some guy starts singing! Please shut up. Oh good god please stop! The singing is fine, but the lyrics are so…bland. “You won’t make a cotton picker out of me!” For almost three minutes! Thankfully one of the hands tells them to stop. The judge’s son finds guitar girl passed out and she almost got heat stroke. The hand frightfully says he’ll get a doctor, because I think if he does the plantation owner is going to whip him. So the plantation owner and the judge are dating. So yeah the plantation owner is a tyrant. He wants a monopoly for cotton and he is paying them only 0.75 cents a day, after taking money away from food and living costs. You know we had a word for something like that if you just take away that pay. Ownership? No….oh right SLAVERY! This movie is physically uncomfortable to watch. So they never did get a doctor for the girl. Some talking then almost immediately they slam cut to a girl dancing and flashes her underwear at the camera. Oh no less than four times! I know it’s exploitation, but I’m expecting them to go around topless at one scene. No make that five times. So they party…and party….for the next five minutes. If I leave and make a sandwich I doubt I’d miss anything. So thankfully Chef Party-Killer turns their music off and makes some of them wash dishes. They’re promised pie for their work so they say ‘Hell yeah’ in 50’s slang. Then eh sadly turns the music and partying back on. More and more partying and…oh good god more singing. Did I put on a musical!? I like musicals, but I don’t like this kind of movie. I don’t like the old 50’s singing and music. Never appealed to me. I’m more of a folk rock, film/video game soundtrack, 80’s – Early 2000’s rock, and some emo music. Why am I going on about my music taste? Cause the song is about three minutes long and Chef Fun-Killer (He kills my fun!) telling her that she should be in a recording studio and not in a plantation.

He then tells them about TV. Can this scene please, please end?! So he calls up the PO and tells him about the singing. He tells him to send her right up. I am fearful of what is to come. Guitar and Singing girl argue for a bit and Singing girl doesn’t listen to Guitar girl. Two dudes complain about the food and I just realized that one of the guys is the perv who got cream in the eye. Glad to see he recovered. We then see the judge’s son sifting through the trash for food and is disappointed when he only finds empty cans. Man if the food is that bad you are resorting to looking through the trash then I will take jail. Well that’s a thing. So guitar girl meets judge’s son and he says she hasn’t been back for an hour and a half. “Well you can’t be this naive. I didn’t call for you to come up here to sing!” RAPIST! That’s exactly how the scene starts! Good lord that’s so creepy!

So thankfully the dogs distract him to answer the door. During this singing girl sneaks, so he sets his dogs lose. I guess she teleports onto a roof, while the dog chaser her. Cuts to GOD! More partying footage! We’ve seen more party and singing footage in this movie than there was footage of Slime People in well…Slime People. The party is shut down and we learn that one of the girl’s might be a stripper. Then we cut to plantation owner and the judge making out in a car. More farming footage! So I just learned that judge’s son was named Bob. Typical 50’s hero name. Singer girl passes out again so Bob (I think it’s him) brings her to a hospital. And…she’s dead. She was apparently five months pregnant and died of a hemorrhage. That took a very dark turn. Cut to Bob and the judge and he is telling everything terrible to his mom. Turns out the food they were eating were canned dog food. Makes sense. I’d sift through the garbage after that too. I was honestly expecting a musical stinger when she admits she married the plantation owner. I thought they were just dating. Not that they were married. She breaks down crying and she sends her cop to the area. Also…turns out it wasn’t singer girl. Looked like her. Now we see Guitar sister and singer girl standing right next to each other. Odd…Well anyway Guitar girl and Bob talk about how they want to be together and start making out. So guitar girl tells the judge everything awful about the farm, including the attempted molestation on her sister. So we go from that scene to…ugh…more singing and partying. Once again its just a girl singing a bad song decently. Skip this scene. She is pulled out by Bob and we cut to an floor shot of guitar girl and the judge driving. So some other girl is singing now! We just had a scene of them singing! Now the plantation owner is talking to some Spanish-speaking guy. I guess another plantation owner. Bob gets a Spanish-speaking girl and they hire him I think. This movie just has all bad hallmarks of a plantation movie. Exploitation on kids and Mexicans. All that’s missing is a group of black people being mistreated.

A lack of images has made me put this up here

They get caught and are going to be taken to the Mexican border and ‘taken care of’. Ah 50’s. Villains used to be so one sided. Then all the kids show up with farming equipment and get ready to attack anyone. So a guy pulls out a gun and starts shooting up in the air. The judge breaks it up, but Mexican guy drives off and intro a wall. Oh and don’t expect them to dance around some racism. Bob flat out says, “This coyote was gonna bring 300 wetbacks with phony permits on them!” Lets not beat around the bush here. So everyone is sent back to the courthouse. AND GUESS WHAT? We’re working in one last song! This one is a very stereotypical mariachi band paying on TV and Singing girl is now decently singing terrible songs on TV. This movie had to give me one last reason to hate it! Watching her dancing and listening to her songs this whole time I think she has a good chance of being a stripper in the future. I’m kidding actually. The last song “Go Calypso Go” is actually pretty good. It has a good beat, the singing is good, good acoustics considering the song, and the lyrics are kind of entertaining.

So guitar girl and Bob hook up at the end. Then the end! Thankfully Daddy-O was never said once.

The invention exchange is a Neverlight Pipe for Joel. Just a pipe that puts itself out whenever you light it. The Mads made Tongue Puppets. Puppets that go on your tongue. Yawn. Next skit is about Greg Brady from Brady Bunch. It’s a terrible skit. Not funny and incoherent. Next skit is doing the mind of Gypsy. The skit is odd, but to late. This is the first time we get an explanation for what Gypsy does and we’re two episodes way from Season One’s ending. She’s thinking of Richard Basehart and ram chips. Unfunny. Next skit is Gypsy regurgitating stuff like cotton, taffy, paper towels, and another Tom Servo. Eh. Not funny. This movie just wanted me to hate it! The whole movie was long, dull, and slow as molasses. The movie was also extremely creepy. Most of the movie made me extremely uncomfortable. You know that feeling where you just can’t get comfortable on the chair no matter how much you adjust yourself of try to get comfortable. That’s what’s this experience was like. The riffing wasn’t that funny either. There was the occasional one, but nothing special. This is one I really wouldn’t recommend to anyone, but to completionists like me.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 1/10

Favorite Riff – ‘I just learned the conditions you were all living in’ “I read your contracts I can’t believe you all agreed to this!”

Possible Stinger – The creepy cop peeping on the girls.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UInllOhJT-0

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSXIUC0KxgQ

Thankfully no more Commando Cody from here on out. It starts with an animated opening where a guy pulls his helmet off and suffocates then puts it back on. Another space ship land and they land in two different parts. One is the US and the other is the Soviet Union. They partake in slapstick as other countries spaceships land on the moon and make a hotel and city. The Russian and US guy then leave.

Cut to real life footage. Some guy hops out his space ship and towards another one that is much smaller than we are led to believe. Might be a satellite. He brings it in and we slowly watch as he shuts the door. Then he gets back to the control room and we are exposed to the funky soundtrack. They try to get clearance to land. We hear more of the soundtrack and I think they just have a band playing for them at all times in the cargo hold. Some guy walks up them and starts giving them crap about making his ship wait an extra two minutes before they could land. Boo hoo. Some guy walks on with a monocle on. He’s clearly the villain. He goes to the locker room while talking to a dude and then he goes to shower. Not even a full shower it’s just a bar that covers his balls. Some woman comes in looking for a Captain Kemp or something and she walks in just as he’s leaving. He tells her to piss off and the showering guy finds out that a guy named Otto died.

The woman is also wearing a stupid hat

Then they slam cut to another movie playing the background! The monocle guy is sitting in the theater and turns out the shower guy is Kemp. So Kemp talks to the woman on a space train and then it looks like they’re on a space version of the city from Logan’s Run. He shows her some areas. Then a green haired girl with blue eyeliner shows up and says the girl and her brother have no reservation. Kemp explains the physics of this place and he tells her to get some new clothes. Then…Thighs! Just cuts to a bunch of dancing girls!

Kemp meets up with his co-pilot to drink and they drink some distilled rocket fuel. Kemp is bothered, but a dude with stupid hair who works with the monocle guy. No one seems to notice the gun he pulled on Kemp though. We cut to monocle guy and…he’s playing gamble monopoly… Jesus that’s dumb. Also he has some slaves with colored hair. Are supposed to be bored/hate his guy. So Kemp arrives, takes the gun from the guy. Then throws it away and starts downing the real booze on the table. Glad the guy has his priorities. Monocle guy wants Kemp to crash a space ship into an asteroid. It’s supposedly worth a lot of money so he wants it. It’s made of 6,000 tons of sapphire. Kemp declines, but he is reminded that he has some law troubles. He is offered a brand new space furry if he does it. Kemp gets some coffee and is questioned, but his co-pilot tells the questioner off. So yeah he’s going through with this plan. He leaves with the gun guy, his co-pilot, and some other guy. They blast off and the soundtrack kicks in. They chat about the asteroid location and they cut back to the place. Then I think thugs or whatever shows up. Space biker gang? I’m not entirely sure, but people are scared of them. Also the club is now western theme for some reason.

The lady from before talks to two of the dudes about her brother whom they haven’t seen in ages. Also I learned the dudes are a space Caravan. They find the asteroid and slowly leave the ship…Maybe this is why we have another 40 minutes. They attach an engine to the asteroid…very, very slowly. They plan to have them shoot off the rocket, but Kemp has to stay on for a few seconds to send it off. They send it off and Kemp is able to get off. Cut back to the bar and he haves some more terrible fake booze. He speaks to no brother girl and since no one has seen her in four months I’d think he just died. They think he is working as a miner in one of the moons many craters. The gun goon and Kemp get into a fight and they throw each other around. They turn the gravity off so the fight scene is even longer than normal. Cut to them on the ship and they land near a crater. No one knows where this brother is apparently. I’ve got my money on the idea that he’s dead. The two leave on a moon-buggy to go out searching for the possibly dead man. Then she kind of rubs it in that he’s older and went to Mars first. They walk around her brothers work sight and they find a person. They think they found her brother and shock of all shocks. He’s dead! Actually how did he manage dying, while standing up? And standing perfectly still for four months…actually…why is he a skeleton? How could he completely decompose is the dark, cold void of space and moon?

And be filled with sand

Moon goons then attack while they try to raid the mining site. He lures them out then shoots the green raider. He shoots the yellow guy’s oxygen tank and then he’s backed into a corner, by a space-bulldozer driven by raider red. He plays possum and shoots his oxygen pack, but he replaces it with her brothers. Okay the tank her brother was breathing from apparently wasn’t air and he died gas inhalation. This whole expedition was a terrible idea and ended badly. Brother has been dead for months, gets attacked by raiders, loses space buggy, kills three dudes, takes their bulldozer, and it wont even get them back all the way and their oxygen won’t last them. They drive through the land and see the sun rise. Now they’re safe to take their suits off and can breathe. They drive for a while and Kemp has taken his shirt off. Then the girl starts stripping as well.

They only have seven or ten miles left, but the sun is so hot the bulldozer starts melting from the inside. They get back into their suits have and have to make a run for it before the machine explodes. Welp. Time to trek for about a while. They arrive back at the buggy place and they almost get arrested. Turns out it was cyanide in his air pack. They find out that the proprietor was forced to give him a poisoned air filter so he would lose the land so they could crash the asteroid. Monocle guy is out under arrest and gun goon draws his gun. He shoots the cop and she slowly dies. With the girl at gunpoint Kemp had agreed to land the asteroid. The co-pilot and girl plan to help Kemp get away so they turn on a booster that gun goon was standing beneath and destroys his helmet and sends him flying in space. The ship comes back and the co-pilot shoots the oxygen off of some guy and finishes the asteroid launch, while leaving monocle guy and computer guy on the asteroid and they crash down and die. They go back to the moon city and Kemp asks the girl her room number. The end!

Invention exchange is Drive-By-Food (Food that goes straight to your stomach) for Joel and Celebrity-Mouth-to-Mouth (Toothbrush with celebrity heads that dispense toothpaste) for the Mads. We already are kind of have the Mads invention, but Joel’s was kind of clever. Next skit is Joel and the Bots performing a play on the first moon landing. Not that funny. The next skit is the Monopoly game….wait…it was called MOONOPOLY? GRRR! Well the skit is just adding moon or some random theme to games. They do however have the insight of Super Lunar Mario Bros. Everything else is just kind of funny. Then he makes the bots Rock-Em-Sock-Em fight. It was an all right skit. Last skit is Tom and Crow talking about the women of the movie and debating how much they find the other woman beautiful. Eh neither is all that pretty. Then they turn of the gravity and fight that way. It’s just as slow and boring as it is in the movie. The skit started dumb, but ended kind of funny. The episode is a made for TV show converted into a movie. This happens a lot in the future. This episode was middle of the road. The movie was nothing special, the jokes were occasionally funny, two of the sketches were funny, and I don’t hate it as much as Project Moonbase, which means a lot. I’d check it out again.

Episode Rating – 4/10

Movie Rating – 3/10

Favorite Riff – “Um we’re about to walk off the set. Would you mind going the other way?”

Possible Stinger – Kemp turning off the gravity and fighting.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azsXZs3C6DY

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d8NlbkZzFk

Sadly like usual, we have the short first. In our last ‘exciting’ episode, we saw Ted escape in the flying suit while Cody’s tank exploded. Begins where nine ended and once again with a trick of deceptive editing. Instead of the usual “he escaped while we weren’t looking” bit, however, this time we discover that Cody’s tank did not blow up after all; it was actually the identical enemy tank the Moon Men were driving. You see, Ted flew over and dropped a grenade on them as they were aiming. After a bit of gunplay, Cody fixes their stolen tank and they escape back to the spaceship with the box of Lunarium that Cody stole in the previous episode. After a brief exchange with the Moon Man prisoner that ends with the Moon Man pouting and stomping off to his room like a sullen teenager, they take off and then…the film ends. Not the end of the episode, it just ends. Like halfway through it stops. Thank god. They were becoming unbearable. Anyway on to the movie!

So apparently the Robot’s had destroyed humanity in 2033. So then after the credits it shows 2 dudes beating each other up as other people and what I think are robots. Then one is pick pocketing the humans. Then some guy come in, stops the pick-pocketing robot, apparently psychically speaks to it, and learns that it’s a fight to the death. The most powerful slave from the fight are brought to a special place where they are “rewarded” when in all actuality they are killed so no rebellions can come about. Cut to a factory and a woman is walking around and talking to the Dark One (The current leader of the world). The two combatants don’t want to kill each other and the people demand that there be no winner. So the Dark One turns the oxygen off. He turns the oxygen back and the observing robot kills the two fighters. Saved the process I guess. Then some guy is taken by the Dark One.

I’ll admit Valaria (blonde woman) is quite striking

The guy who arrived is named Neo and is the new owner of the thief bot. Oh and he is psychic. Also this movie is shot in New York City. Perfect for the post apocalyptic robot movie. Also Neo is a half robot. I guess. Also this Neo acts just as good as Keanu Reeves as Neo. They go wander through the ruined NYC then find some Feminaz-I mean She-Warriors in Central Park. They say men are worthless except for pregnancies. Neo’s robot apparently points a gun at her and he demands a fair fight. The guy wins the fight and since Neo make shim spare her, she now belongs to him. Okay? They make her show them where the Factory where the girl’s dad is and free their sex guy. The lady working with Dark One the steps in a pleasure machine and she is forbidden because of reasons. She meets the dad and he is put in a crystal. Also the ladies name is Valaria. The crystal is a viewing orb I guess. He is brought to the room of questions which I assume I just futuristic Jeopardy. The group decides to go through underground caverns, while mutants and hand puppets apparently stalk them.

They draw their weapons and one of them is already dead I think. The sock puppets are un-scary and they make it out mostly alive with one of the dudes is bitten on the neck.

They stop by some water and I think it might kill them if they go through. They torture the dad and Valaria says the robot Torque (Observer) is going to intercept the group and kill them. The mutants finally attack and they start eating the wounded guy. After yet another fight scene they flee with the robot covering their tracks with a force field. Cut back to Valaria talking to science dad. Joel & the bots make jokes about how they can’t understand what she says, but I understand her fine.

Torque looks kinda cool

But back to the group and they arrive at the factory. Or the factories map painting for better example. Turns out the winners of the tournaments are crucified upside down. So science dad finally sees the Dark One, but we don’t. Anyway back to the rebels. They enter through factory’s a basement and they find out that they’re essentially in a minefield. Cut back to the air slaves and they talk about how the warriors have been gone a day so they anticipate that they’re dead. I guess they plan stop working so the Dark One loses power. Torque pushes a button and a guy falls down a pit and hurts himself. The dad is then merged with the Dark One. I think. One of the mutants is shown to be dead so that means Troque is closing in. Then I think Troque and Valaria have a thing going on. Apparently the way they’re going down are led to a supposedly dangerous wound. I love how the warrior woman talks about how men are weak and worthless, yet she has been one of the weakest links on this team, even more so than the robot. Then the daughter walks foreword a bit and is completely stuck in a web. How do you manage that? Then she is attacked by a either a giant spider arm, some random creature, or another sock puppet. Probably the latter. The rest of the slaves leave the area and then we immediately go back to the rest of the gang. So sex guy wakes up and warns them that something might be nearby. So Troque released some creature that’s just another sock puppet and I think he dies!

Obvious chestburster rip off is obvious

I don’ know, because they keep cutting back to the slaves doing nothing! Then the group finds that he is indeed dead. The creature bursts out his chest akin to the chestburster, and Neo kills it violently. The warrior woman touches a fence and sets off the alarm. Displeased with her constant failure, the Dark One shocks Valaria for a bit. The robot is unaffected by the electricity so he pulls the gates open. The robot is hit or something and is deactivated. They waste some time reviving him and he is fine. The robot had some explosives on him so they blow the metal door open. The rebels find some explosives with wire traps. The WW says the sex dude should just blow the path open for them by walking though it so the daughter slaps her. Neo walks him through how to deactivate it and Neo has him cut the wires. They deactivate it and cut the wires. This Dark One is extremely fallible. He is easily conquered by five rebels, his guards are weak as hell, he sets up easily avoidable traps, and his power is lost by people simply doing nothing. They fight some guard bots and win. They finally fight Troque and he gets his ass kicked. Troque just throws Neo around and starts choking him. Valaria captures the daughter, but is betrayed by the Dark One and explodes something around her, exposing that she was an android.

She turns on a self-destruct for the area and she gloats to him. Then sex dude dies in a fight before the robot kills his killer. The daughter stands around and Troque kills the WW and in her last moment she turns off the self-destruct. Damn it WW the movie would have ended sooner! The daughter sees her father merged with the Dark One and….they’re a giant avocado with a head on it.

Looks so dumb

Troque once again kicks Neo’s ass, but Neo grabs his dagger and escapes. Valaria turns the air off again and they all start suffocating. The robot shoots and kills Valaria with his laser. Troque and Neo fight again and it finally ends with Troque being destroyed with a sword, Neo takes the robots gun and shoots the Dark One killing him and the father. The robot turns the air back on and they all come back to life. They mope for a bit then Neo and the robot leaves the daughter there. They walk off into the sunset of the still standing city.

For the invention exchange it’s a monster truck pipe for Joel and a ski mask with articulating eyebrows for the Mads. Neither is all that good. The next skit makes no sense. They want Joel to perform magic tricks, but they dress up as the Huns or something. It’s not funny and it’s just really dumb. Next Joel and the bots simulate a sitcom and it sucks. The skit sucks. Skip it. Last skit is them acting out some stuff from the movie and while Tom loves it Crow and Joel aren’t digging it or having to wear road kill. Not funny. The movie was fine. The riffs sucked, but the movie was all right. I particularly disliked the female warrior, but Joel and the Bots bashed the robot and Valaria. I didn’t mind them or find her all that hard to understand. The effects, make up, and costumes sucked, but it was a cheesy fun movie. The episode sucked, but the movie was okay.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 6/10

Favorite Riff – “I guess it’s a wasteland. If you don’t consider that city behind you.”

Possible Stinger – Valarai being told she’s going to be killed and her reaction.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efof8AUn_Vo

Trailer – Sadly the closest thing to a trailer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsGCbw4nT5E

Sadly it’s Commando Cody first. In our last “exciting: episode we saw a thug knock Cody over a cliff with a football-sized rock. This episode starts with Cody turning on his jet pack and flying off before he hits the bottom. Who is surprised? Krog has his thugs go back to their previous activity of blowing up troop trains with their ray gun while Cody and Ted go out to stop them in a rented plane. The thugs aim their ray gun upwards and blast the plane out of the sky. The end? Sadly we have two today. Chapter 8 begins with footage of Cody and Ted leaping from the plane at the last minute, escaping unharmed. Once again who is surprised? They give up on trying to track down the thugs despite the fact that they have the laser! Are they just withholding footage from us? Like usual? Instead, they return to the moon, hoping to steal Lunarium (The element that powers the gun). Cody captures a Moon Man on patrol and takes him back to his ship. The Moon Man proves compliant, trading valuable information and his uniform for a meal cooked by Cody’s lovely lady friend. Cody manages to steal some Lunarium and get away with it in a tank made of plywood. The Moon Men pursue them in a deadly plywood contraption of their own. They force Cody and Ted into the rocks. Ted escapes, but the Moon Men blow up the tank while Cody’s still inside. The end? Once again no. By this time the formula of withholding escape footage has long over stayed it’s welcome!

The movie starts with text crawl saying that in1954 and the US decided to make a base on the moon! They finished in the futuristic year old 1970 (I love the expectations of old movies), but the Commies were working to destroy it. Some guy briefs us on the evil plan and how the Commies want to destroy it the space station and spy on them. They set up spy equipment in one of the rooms and…that’s it. This movie has an odd immediate focus on the villains. Are we sure it’s not about the Americans trying to take out the Commies? The guy asks for help with his bags from the front desk and like an idiot the spy immediately walks in instead of waiting for a few minutes and knocking out the real helper. They nock him out and take his stuff before one of the Commies impersonates him. The Commie impersonator is brought to the spaceport and is about to be briefed. Some people talk and a Tom Hanks look alike delivers a message. Apparently in the order a US Colonel named Briteis (Pronounced Bright-eyes) is going to be in control of the entire flight as appointed by the president. One of the guys makes the other guy co-pilot, which upsets him. They could just talk to the government and make a complaint/request, but that’ll take time! The actual reason they use. Briteis is brought in with another person and…Briteis is a woman? Actually no, it’s just a reporter. I’m fully expecting Briteis to be just like Calvin from Slime People considering how much people are upset by his presence. Turns out Briteis is actually a woman. Shocking….just….well…It’s the 50’s. I didn’t expect this.

Briteis in the middle

As shown very quickly Briteis sucks at her job and complains that Moore (the guy assigned as the co-pilot) doesn’t like her and shouldn’t be on the crew, despite him being one of the best pilots. The General promptly puts her in her place when she complains some more. This movie does not settle well with me. The General gives the meeting to Briteis, the Commie impersonator, the reporter, and his cue cards (he is obviously reading off of) about the meaning of the mission and how it’ll be done. The crew gets ready to blast off and Major Moore acts like a misogynist to Briteis because it was written in the 50’s. They blast off and the dudes scream a bunch as Briteis makes an orgasm face.

They arrive on the space station and they spice footage together so a guy walks on the ceiling and Briteis & Moore are on the wall when they talk to the superiors. The sign please don’t walk on walls makes me laugh. Every sign has a story so did some guy walk along the wall and he accidentally stepped on a window, broke it, killed himself and several other people?

They leave on another ship to take photos of the moon. Where did the Commie go? Oh he just warped on and is learning about the ship he’s going to take over and crash. He goes to press a button, but Moore calls him out on that he shouldn’t be doing that. Briteis make a joke about him not liking people touch his stuff, but he is right. A scientist untrained in piloting matters shouldn’t be playing with piloting controls. Idiot. She’s practically teaching the guy the ups and downs of the ship. I’m surprised she didn’t tell him the self-destruct button location. Moore immediate calls his bluff by brining up the Brooklyn Dodgers because the real doctor taught in Brooklyn, and they didn’t bother to give him background info about the guy he was impersonating. Everyone is stupid! No wonder the Soviet Union collapsed. Moore informs Briteis about this and she thinks he’s crazy until the Commie attack Moore, making Briteis slip her hand onto the controls making the ship accelerate and waste fuel. Then she faints…I think. Great commander. Did she sleep around to get this position? The film goes into slow motion and this seems like it’s just there to pad out the film. They get closer and closer to the moon…THEN THEY CRASH AND THEY ALL DIE!

Sadly not. They land safely and Brities has yet to do anything worthy of her position. Briteis sucks at her job. She’s supposed to be in charge and superior, but she can’t handle any scenario. Feeds info to a Commie spy like a treat to a kitten, disrespects the clearly more skilled co-pilot, and has shown to have the worst attitude for a leader. Constantly complaining and not listening to her underling. They can’t contact the base because of reasons and they are several hundred or thousand miles off course. Moore grabs the Commie and has him help with him setting up a distress beacon outside. So clad in their Commando Cody outfits they traverse the moon and set up the beacons. The Commie slips, breaks his mask, and dies. Somehow Moore is already out of air and is dying. He is able to get back up. Briteis is unable to contact the people until Moore recommends that she change the frequency channel. She does and it works. (Slams hands down on laptop and walks off.) That’s the sound of me giving up on this movie and leaving. They could not have gotten a worse leader for this operation. Their boss makes them the first lunar base and when their boss has a personal message for Moore and asks Briteis to give them some privacy she’s about to give him a complaint and attitude. (Strokes temples.) The only way they could have made her less qualified for a leadership role is if she was a toddler who had a speech impediment.

She doesn’t listen to orders, she complains when someone gives her orders she doesn’t like, and doesn’t get along well with anyone on screen. Hell when her character if first announced no one is happy about it! The president wants Briteis and Moore to get married. WHAT! (Frustratedly pulls hair from head and screams into my arm!) They are seriously prying into their personal lives and forces the two of them to get married! God 1950’s I know your relationship with women sucks, but this is one of the worst offenders of this! The only way it would worse is if he rapes her and she falls in love with him during it! I HATE THIS!!! Briteis hates him in the beginning and now she love him!? Hell Moore still doesn’t like her. Shouldn’t work and personal life not be mixed? Living together alone shouldn’t force a couple to get married! These characters have no backstory so Moore could have been in a relationship during the events of this! Calm down Jake only five more minutes left! A ship of supplies lands and immediate tips over when it arrives on the surface. “Bill it landed!” Crashed is the proper turn Colonel Dumbass.

Look closely for stagehand’s hand

I swear to god if one of those items is a dress it’s going in the worst list no matter what. They get married and Briteis makes a request to have Moore be a higher rank than her. Finally some sense! Give the good ranks to the person who is qualified to be a pilot! The president wants to talk to them and it’s a good thing they got President Richard Nixon to approve of this eve- Oh…a woman. So President Rachel Nixie gives Moore his rank and I believe that our female president made Briteis the leader of the operation because they were both women instead of the capable guy they had in charge of it at first! Yeah that may sound mean and sexist, but you know something. It’s the 50’s and considering how Briteis is written as a spoiled, incompetent, unprofessional, brat I wouldn’t be surprised!

The invention exchange is water juggling for Joel and insert-a-sketch (Etch-a-sketch parody) for the Mads. Both suck. The next skit is Tom, Joel, and Crow playing pretend as they pretend they are Cody, Ted, and Krog. Tom is Cody so he can fly, Joel is Ted, and Crow is Krog, but he wants to be Cody so he can fly around too. I like this skit. Makes me nostalgic of doing stuff like this with my brother, dad, and friends, but with Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, and Star Wars. The next skit is about how the ties are cut very short in the movie and how else they’ll be changing. Such as the full body tie, the anit-gravitie, the napkin tie, and an endless tie. As an avid tie fan and wearer I support this skit. It made me chuckle a few times. Last skit is fake goop called SPACOM named after the space organization name. It’s based off those terrible commercials for goofy multi-tools. Not funny. The problem with Commando Cody is that every episode is the same! Show the text crawl, show the real ending of last episode, he flies, beats people up, cut to aliens, cut to talking, action seen, cliffhanger ending. There’s a fine line between copying and being formulaic. It would also be one thing if the shorts were actually entertaining. They haven’t aged well for me because I know that Cody and pals will always live on. Main character eight times out of ten shall live to the end. You know my feelings about it already, but it bears repeating. Compared to later science fiction works, where women are full-fledged professionals, this movie portrays Briteis, as a nice but incompetent female who is easily frightened and turns to Major Moore as soon as things become dangerous. Why bother making her in charge if she sucks at her job. Oh right female President, probably some bias involved. I hated this movie so goddamn much! The effects, writing, plot, and logic were so bad even for 50’s crappy sci-fi standards and I love this genre! The episode also sucks with poor jokes and the only funny ones are the okay physical humor jokes.

Episode Rating – 0/10

Movie Rating – 0/10

Favorite Riff – (The physical humor of holding up the General’s cue cards)

Possible Stinger – The ship tipping over and Briteis saying, “Bill it landed!”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coLd_A_d7Mw

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FONTnIPCw0

First the thrilling follow up to the Bridge of Death! Like before see the scene replayed with previously unshown footage of Cody and Ted leaping to safety at the last minute. Finally successful in bringing in much-needed cash, the Moon Men’s hired thugs learn that their evil employers have changed their minds again. This time they want to set off an atomic explosion in the crater of a dormant volcano. Why do they trust these incompetent fools with their plans? They want this to happen because this will set off worldwide flooding not seen since the days of Noah. Odd when the Avatar blows up a volcano he destroys the Abyss (Ultima reference!) The thugs rent a plane to carry out this fiendish plan. They blow up the volcano with an atomic blast that’s about the magnitude of a couple sticks of dynamite and flooding ensues. Then it subsides with no apparent affect, and Cody tracks them. A balsa-wood-furniture-breaking fight ensues, after which the thugs kidnap Ted. Ted predictably escapes, and Cody chases them into a corner. Out of bullets, the thugs knock Cody over a cliff with a big rock. Is this the end? Of course not. Now the film.

It starts with the Slime People just showing up. They crawl out of the sewer and it shows a guy I guess they speared.

Get used to the fog!

Then it shows a guy piloting a plane. He wants to land in San Diego and they tell him to leave Los Angeles area and head North. Of course he doesn’t listen. Otherwise this would be a worthless scene. He wanders for a bit and finds no one. He finds some people in a car and it’s a professor and his daughters Bonnie and Lisa. Also the guys name is Tom. He drives off with them and they talk. They tell him about how the Slime People attacked LA, beat the army, and surrounded LA in a wall of fog. One of the daughters is an ungodly amount of perky. Funny thing is Tom is completely rational, but the moment the Professor brings up fish in the sea Tom immediately says he’s crazy and wants to get out.

Our heroes! Perky girl, brunette girl, mandatory scientist, and Tom

He is then shown the destroyed LA landscape. They find a crashed car with a corpse and a spear. Now he believes them, but the dome part sounds irrational. They find the footage about the Slime people and it shows a news report (Also note the crew member whose shadow can be seen). It shows some reports that just confirm that the people were evacuated from the beach areas and the military engaged in “hand to hand” combat. Why? You have guns! The reports talk to Dr. Bro and he confirms that they are fish creatures from the sewers and lived for many years long ago. They don’t know how they make the fog, but they know its so they can live on the surface. The next report i- HAHAHAHA! You can practically ONLY see the fog! I can barely make out the guy’s face! Apparently the fog hardened around and killed a guy.

The sad/best thing is that this isn’t the foggiest shot in the movie!

So the fog is now stone. Fantastic. Then some guy throws a film canister at them so Tom punches him in the face/ Joel and the bots engage in Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert jokes that are just bad. Two random drunk characters now for some reason. Then the sewer opens up and some Slime People show up. The costume is pretty good. A full body suit with wet, slimy scales, ridges on the back, and little whisker things.

They run in a building and they meet a guy with a gun and run some more. They get outside to safety, but a Slime Person gets through and they easy fend it off with a fire extinguisher. It gets through again, but they close the door on it and then all the fog vanishes. His name is Calvin. The fog appears again and the slime people kills the drunks. I love it. The fog just follows them wherever they go! They rest in a TV station and they try to contact the people and inform them they are attacking the area. Calvin is apparently a Marine. Bonnie is so ungodly amounts of perky. They plan to leave in the morning, get some chemicals, and try to break through the fog wall. But hey enough smart talk. Time for out of nowhere romance! Bonnie and Calvin immediately hit it off and he flat out asks if she had a boyfriend. Jesus dude time and place there a Slime People trying to kill you! They hook up I guess. The romantic saxophone, stilted dialog, out of nowhere kiss, and they say they’ll continue it later. Yep it’s 50’s romance! Gee wiz (He actually says that!) this movie is fun. Cut to the morning and Tom wakes them all up. They say they’ll do shopping separately. I think they mean looting. So Professor and Calvin talk about how the fog machine works and when the Professor leaves and he immediately hits on his daughter. She takes the words right out of my mouth, time and place. They meet an old friend of Tom named Toliver. He says the Slime People are fake. Ugh… I hate people. When does he die? “We shouldn’t leave him Tom.” Please do. He is sadly brought in, but thankfully they leave his goat. Yay the fog is back! Toliver is gonna die! Tom and Professor are gonna look for the wall and are ‘only’ gonna go 300 feet. Last time someone went out of sight about a hundred yards he was sent 100 years in the future (Twilight Zone reference)! They wander for a bit as the fog fills the screen and they look for the wall. Then they find the Slime Creatures! More fog! MORE FOG!!!

THIS IS AN ACTUAL SHOT OF THIS MOVIE!

The Slime People tug on the rope so Calvin and the girls run after him leaving the rope with Toliver. Oh god there is so much fog! I can barely see the screen! So they find the wall and start to set up the chemicals. They wander hilariously through the fog and now I think they’re gonna shoot each other. I think Bonnie got lost in the fog, but I can’t see a thing! They get back to the cars and Toliver complains to them about reckless driving and how he’ll make a book about this, despite the fact that he still doesn’t believe in the Slime People. “I’ll start with you all in the fog!” That exactly what the director said to every scene. They drop him out of the car and leave. See even the characters don’t like him! Please die Toliver! Sadly a Slime Creature apparently was in the car and attacks them. They drive off with Toliver with them and in tears. “I’ve never seen anything like it!” I COULDN’T EVEN SEE IT! Oh god…WHERE’D ALL THE FOG GO! Oh thank god! It was all in the town! The movie looked naked without. Also they just said they were low on gas. They were on the highway/mountain side. Then it shows the exact same car pull into town. Short drive. They hide out in a butcher shop and they immediately ambush them! Toliver drops to his knees and still believes they are a figment of our imagination. Then they leave him to die. Thank god I hate that character type! The idiot disbeliever who tries to dispel all of it as a hoax or prank. The conclude that they can get through the wall with salt cause Tom’s plane touches salt water and got through. Only with massive difficulty. So Calvin and Bonnie off alone. Two people dyin’ tonight!. No even a minute outside and Bonnie is already captured! Great plan military guy! Don’t then know to never split the party? Tom and Calvin meet in the fog and he drops his gun when they saw a Slime Person. Idiot. They make it back and conclude that Bonnie is still alive to lure them out. No for food and breeding purposes! They open the door and a Slime Person walks in and Tom just shoves it out and closes the door on its foot. They conclude that the Slime People are self-sealing. They go out looking for Bonnie and I’m fully expecting them both to drive off the side and into a building due to how foggy it is. Hell they hit two slime people and almost hit a pole. Okay the driving sucks! They are just shaking the car from side to side! They hop out of the car and run down a hill. They try to find her, but like the rest of the movie it’s just lost in the fog. I guess sound doesn’t travel far in the fog cause despite he shrieking like a banshee they don’t hear her! They find her hair though. In a wheat field, at night, in a massive fog! Thankfully the Slime People have no peripheral vision because a bunch of Slime People walk right past them! WHAT! They returned from commercial and a Slime Creature was killed and Bonnie was saved! Was this a joke on how seeable the movie is! Cause that’s both brilliant and hilarious! They find the fog machine and instead of destroying it, they go back to the Professor and Lisa.

The mighty fog machine of evil!

They leave to destroy it and there is so much fog I thought they left and entered onto the same set! THEY DID! HAHAHA! Calvin and Tom leave and Calvin has proved to be more of a liability than anything. Then Calvin and a Slime Person get into a fistfight and it starts with Calvin getting backhanded and falling back. He grabs the spear and pulls a Lavitz/Albert where he lifts himself with the spear and kicks it in the face (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxhO55Tt-aE Not as complex, but you should get the gist). Cue Star Trek fight score! Then I guess Calvin kills it, but once again the fog is so thick I can’t see anything! Tom wanders around and beats Slime People for a while. The rest arrives and Calvin goes in to help, but our hero has got it in the bag. Lisa is almost captured, but Tom tackles it and the Professor kills it with a spear. As they get closer and closer to the fog machine the Slime People close in. The Professor throws his spear at it and I kid you not, IT EXPLODES! Jesus Christ! Don’t mess with the Professor.

One of the most badass professors ever!

The Professor and Tom have more kills and impressive feats than Calvin. The fog disappears and all the Slime People die. The end.

In the intro Joel and Tom get up in the morning like normal people. Frustrated, grumpy, and still tired. Crow, on the other hand, is aggressively chipper. He makes up a morning poem. Joy oh joy. It’s pretty funny because of how true it is for morning and non-morning people. Invention exchange is cartoon eyeglasses that grow and shrink for Joel. Screaming cotton candy for the Mads. Eh, neither is all that good. Next skit is a fake court case about them convicting Commando Cody for crimes against reality (and bad acting). Crow is against him and Tom is all for him. They play up the courtroom clichés and it ends with Joel smashing C.C. with his gavel. It’s kinda funny. Next skit is Joel and the bots start talking about how the movie makes no sense then they go on a tangent. The tangent is talking about a show where some guy gets stranded on an island and makes robots out of boat parts and is forced to watch bad TV shows. When asked how they eat, Tom says, “You should relax it’s just a show”. UGH! That joke sucks! Next skit is a joke on how this movie has endless amounts of fog! You can barely see a damn thing! There are times when the screen is almost completely white! This skit is hilarious. I love fog machines so much! They can cover up the entire screen and you can make them settle for any time of day. A future movie has so much fog it’s practically night in almost every outdoor shot. I’d love to see the directing.

‘We got this good shot here, but you know what it needs fog! Lots and lots of fog!’

‘But there’s already so much fog!’

‘Well there’s not enough fog! (Waves fog machine around for like 10 minutes) Perfect! Action! (Actors stumble into each other, everyone misses their spots, no one can see a thing) And CUT! Perfect print it!’

I love this episode! It’s got good riffs, a funny skit, and the movie was fun. The movie is dumb and un-seeable at times, but goddamn is it funny. I have a soft spot for monster/alien attack movies and this I’ll be honest. If I saw this as a kid, I would have loved this movie. It’s got good tension, a good lead (Tom the Reporter not Calvin the Idiot Marine), it has its fun moments, and it starts out solid to an incomprehensible (and blinding) middle, to a tense ending. Some people might hate the over use of fog, but I find it funnier than anything. Check it out for a fun dumb movie. Riffed or not. Oh and Commando Cody. I didn’t like it like usual.

Episode Rating – 6/10

Movie Rating – 7/10

Favorite Riff – “Oh no does this mean we have to see clearly for the rest of the film!?”

Possible Stinger – Professor throwing the spear and blowing up the fog machine.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIygqcw50A

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfHJZxVK00g