Sadly like usual, we have the short first. In our last ‘exciting’ episode, we saw Ted escape in the flying suit while Cody’s tank exploded. Begins where nine ended and once again with a trick of deceptive editing. Instead of the usual “he escaped while we weren’t looking” bit, however, this time we discover that Cody’s tank did not blow up after all; it was actually the identical enemy tank the Moon Men were driving. You see, Ted flew over and dropped a grenade on them as they were aiming. After a bit of gunplay, Cody fixes their stolen tank and they escape back to the spaceship with the box of Lunarium that Cody stole in the previous episode. After a brief exchange with the Moon Man prisoner that ends with the Moon Man pouting and stomping off to his room like a sullen teenager, they take off and then…the film ends. Not the end of the episode, it just ends. Like halfway through it stops. Thank god. They were becoming unbearable. Anyway on to the movie!

So apparently the Robot’s had destroyed humanity in 2033. So then after the credits it shows 2 dudes beating each other up as other people and what I think are robots. Then one is pick pocketing the humans. Then some guy come in, stops the pick-pocketing robot, apparently psychically speaks to it, and learns that it’s a fight to the death. The most powerful slave from the fight are brought to a special place where they are “rewarded” when in all actuality they are killed so no rebellions can come about. Cut to a factory and a woman is walking around and talking to the Dark One (The current leader of the world). The two combatants don’t want to kill each other and the people demand that there be no winner. So the Dark One turns the oxygen off. He turns the oxygen back and the observing robot kills the two fighters. Saved the process I guess. Then some guy is taken by the Dark One.

I’ll admit Valaria (blonde woman) is quite striking

The guy who arrived is named Neo and is the new owner of the thief bot. Oh and he is psychic. Also this movie is shot in New York City. Perfect for the post apocalyptic robot movie. Also Neo is a half robot. I guess. Also this Neo acts just as good as Keanu Reeves as Neo. They go wander through the ruined NYC then find some Feminaz-I mean She-Warriors in Central Park. They say men are worthless except for pregnancies. Neo’s robot apparently points a gun at her and he demands a fair fight. The guy wins the fight and since Neo make shim spare her, she now belongs to him. Okay? They make her show them where the Factory where the girl’s dad is and free their sex guy. The lady working with Dark One the steps in a pleasure machine and she is forbidden because of reasons. She meets the dad and he is put in a crystal. Also the ladies name is Valaria. The crystal is a viewing orb I guess. He is brought to the room of questions which I assume I just futuristic Jeopardy. The group decides to go through underground caverns, while mutants and hand puppets apparently stalk them.

They draw their weapons and one of them is already dead I think. The sock puppets are un-scary and they make it out mostly alive with one of the dudes is bitten on the neck.

They stop by some water and I think it might kill them if they go through. They torture the dad and Valaria says the robot Torque (Observer) is going to intercept the group and kill them. The mutants finally attack and they start eating the wounded guy. After yet another fight scene they flee with the robot covering their tracks with a force field. Cut back to Valaria talking to science dad. Joel & the bots make jokes about how they can’t understand what she says, but I understand her fine.

Torque looks kinda cool

But back to the group and they arrive at the factory. Or the factories map painting for better example. Turns out the winners of the tournaments are crucified upside down. So science dad finally sees the Dark One, but we don’t. Anyway back to the rebels. They enter through factory’s a basement and they find out that they’re essentially in a minefield. Cut back to the air slaves and they talk about how the warriors have been gone a day so they anticipate that they’re dead. I guess they plan stop working so the Dark One loses power. Torque pushes a button and a guy falls down a pit and hurts himself. The dad is then merged with the Dark One. I think. One of the mutants is shown to be dead so that means Troque is closing in. Then I think Troque and Valaria have a thing going on. Apparently the way they’re going down are led to a supposedly dangerous wound. I love how the warrior woman talks about how men are weak and worthless, yet she has been one of the weakest links on this team, even more so than the robot. Then the daughter walks foreword a bit and is completely stuck in a web. How do you manage that? Then she is attacked by a either a giant spider arm, some random creature, or another sock puppet. Probably the latter. The rest of the slaves leave the area and then we immediately go back to the rest of the gang. So sex guy wakes up and warns them that something might be nearby. So Troque released some creature that’s just another sock puppet and I think he dies!

Obvious chestburster rip off is obvious

I don’ know, because they keep cutting back to the slaves doing nothing! Then the group finds that he is indeed dead. The creature bursts out his chest akin to the chestburster, and Neo kills it violently. The warrior woman touches a fence and sets off the alarm. Displeased with her constant failure, the Dark One shocks Valaria for a bit. The robot is unaffected by the electricity so he pulls the gates open. The robot is hit or something and is deactivated. They waste some time reviving him and he is fine. The robot had some explosives on him so they blow the metal door open. The rebels find some explosives with wire traps. The WW says the sex dude should just blow the path open for them by walking though it so the daughter slaps her. Neo walks him through how to deactivate it and Neo has him cut the wires. They deactivate it and cut the wires. This Dark One is extremely fallible. He is easily conquered by five rebels, his guards are weak as hell, he sets up easily avoidable traps, and his power is lost by people simply doing nothing. They fight some guard bots and win. They finally fight Troque and he gets his ass kicked. Troque just throws Neo around and starts choking him. Valaria captures the daughter, but is betrayed by the Dark One and explodes something around her, exposing that she was an android.

She turns on a self-destruct for the area and she gloats to him. Then sex dude dies in a fight before the robot kills his killer. The daughter stands around and Troque kills the WW and in her last moment she turns off the self-destruct. Damn it WW the movie would have ended sooner! The daughter sees her father merged with the Dark One and….they’re a giant avocado with a head on it.

Looks so dumb

Troque once again kicks Neo’s ass, but Neo grabs his dagger and escapes. Valaria turns the air off again and they all start suffocating. The robot shoots and kills Valaria with his laser. Troque and Neo fight again and it finally ends with Troque being destroyed with a sword, Neo takes the robots gun and shoots the Dark One killing him and the father. The robot turns the air back on and they all come back to life. They mope for a bit then Neo and the robot leaves the daughter there. They walk off into the sunset of the still standing city.

For the invention exchange it’s a monster truck pipe for Joel and a ski mask with articulating eyebrows for the Mads. Neither is all that good. The next skit makes no sense. They want Joel to perform magic tricks, but they dress up as the Huns or something. It’s not funny and it’s just really dumb. Next Joel and the bots simulate a sitcom and it sucks. The skit sucks. Skip it. Last skit is them acting out some stuff from the movie and while Tom loves it Crow and Joel aren’t digging it or having to wear road kill. Not funny. The movie was fine. The riffs sucked, but the movie was all right. I particularly disliked the female warrior, but Joel and the Bots bashed the robot and Valaria. I didn’t mind them or find her all that hard to understand. The effects, make up, and costumes sucked, but it was a cheesy fun movie. The episode sucked, but the movie was okay.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 6/10

Favorite Riff – “I guess it’s a wasteland. If you don’t consider that city behind you.”

Possible Stinger – Valarai being told she’s going to be killed and her reaction.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efof8AUn_Vo

Trailer – Sadly the closest thing to a trailer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsGCbw4nT5E

Sadly it’s Commando Cody first. In our last “exciting: episode we saw a thug knock Cody over a cliff with a football-sized rock. This episode starts with Cody turning on his jet pack and flying off before he hits the bottom. Who is surprised? Krog has his thugs go back to their previous activity of blowing up troop trains with their ray gun while Cody and Ted go out to stop them in a rented plane. The thugs aim their ray gun upwards and blast the plane out of the sky. The end? Sadly we have two today. Chapter 8 begins with footage of Cody and Ted leaping from the plane at the last minute, escaping unharmed. Once again who is surprised? They give up on trying to track down the thugs despite the fact that they have the laser! Are they just withholding footage from us? Like usual? Instead, they return to the moon, hoping to steal Lunarium (The element that powers the gun). Cody captures a Moon Man on patrol and takes him back to his ship. The Moon Man proves compliant, trading valuable information and his uniform for a meal cooked by Cody’s lovely lady friend. Cody manages to steal some Lunarium and get away with it in a tank made of plywood. The Moon Men pursue them in a deadly plywood contraption of their own. They force Cody and Ted into the rocks. Ted escapes, but the Moon Men blow up the tank while Cody’s still inside. The end? Once again no. By this time the formula of withholding escape footage has long over stayed it’s welcome!

The movie starts with text crawl saying that in1954 and the US decided to make a base on the moon! They finished in the futuristic year old 1970 (I love the expectations of old movies), but the Commies were working to destroy it. Some guy briefs us on the evil plan and how the Commies want to destroy it the space station and spy on them. They set up spy equipment in one of the rooms and…that’s it. This movie has an odd immediate focus on the villains. Are we sure it’s not about the Americans trying to take out the Commies? The guy asks for help with his bags from the front desk and like an idiot the spy immediately walks in instead of waiting for a few minutes and knocking out the real helper. They nock him out and take his stuff before one of the Commies impersonates him. The Commie impersonator is brought to the spaceport and is about to be briefed. Some people talk and a Tom Hanks look alike delivers a message. Apparently in the order a US Colonel named Briteis (Pronounced Bright-eyes) is going to be in control of the entire flight as appointed by the president. One of the guys makes the other guy co-pilot, which upsets him. They could just talk to the government and make a complaint/request, but that’ll take time! The actual reason they use. Briteis is brought in with another person and…Briteis is a woman? Actually no, it’s just a reporter. I’m fully expecting Briteis to be just like Calvin from Slime People considering how much people are upset by his presence. Turns out Briteis is actually a woman. Shocking….just….well…It’s the 50’s. I didn’t expect this.

Briteis in the middle

As shown very quickly Briteis sucks at her job and complains that Moore (the guy assigned as the co-pilot) doesn’t like her and shouldn’t be on the crew, despite him being one of the best pilots. The General promptly puts her in her place when she complains some more. This movie does not settle well with me. The General gives the meeting to Briteis, the Commie impersonator, the reporter, and his cue cards (he is obviously reading off of) about the meaning of the mission and how it’ll be done. The crew gets ready to blast off and Major Moore acts like a misogynist to Briteis because it was written in the 50’s. They blast off and the dudes scream a bunch as Briteis makes an orgasm face.

They arrive on the space station and they spice footage together so a guy walks on the ceiling and Briteis & Moore are on the wall when they talk to the superiors. The sign please don’t walk on walls makes me laugh. Every sign has a story so did some guy walk along the wall and he accidentally stepped on a window, broke it, killed himself and several other people?

They leave on another ship to take photos of the moon. Where did the Commie go? Oh he just warped on and is learning about the ship he’s going to take over and crash. He goes to press a button, but Moore calls him out on that he shouldn’t be doing that. Briteis make a joke about him not liking people touch his stuff, but he is right. A scientist untrained in piloting matters shouldn’t be playing with piloting controls. Idiot. She’s practically teaching the guy the ups and downs of the ship. I’m surprised she didn’t tell him the self-destruct button location. Moore immediate calls his bluff by brining up the Brooklyn Dodgers because the real doctor taught in Brooklyn, and they didn’t bother to give him background info about the guy he was impersonating. Everyone is stupid! No wonder the Soviet Union collapsed. Moore informs Briteis about this and she thinks he’s crazy until the Commie attack Moore, making Briteis slip her hand onto the controls making the ship accelerate and waste fuel. Then she faints…I think. Great commander. Did she sleep around to get this position? The film goes into slow motion and this seems like it’s just there to pad out the film. They get closer and closer to the moon…THEN THEY CRASH AND THEY ALL DIE!

Sadly not. They land safely and Brities has yet to do anything worthy of her position. Briteis sucks at her job. She’s supposed to be in charge and superior, but she can’t handle any scenario. Feeds info to a Commie spy like a treat to a kitten, disrespects the clearly more skilled co-pilot, and has shown to have the worst attitude for a leader. Constantly complaining and not listening to her underling. They can’t contact the base because of reasons and they are several hundred or thousand miles off course. Moore grabs the Commie and has him help with him setting up a distress beacon outside. So clad in their Commando Cody outfits they traverse the moon and set up the beacons. The Commie slips, breaks his mask, and dies. Somehow Moore is already out of air and is dying. He is able to get back up. Briteis is unable to contact the people until Moore recommends that she change the frequency channel. She does and it works. (Slams hands down on laptop and walks off.) That’s the sound of me giving up on this movie and leaving. They could not have gotten a worse leader for this operation. Their boss makes them the first lunar base and when their boss has a personal message for Moore and asks Briteis to give them some privacy she’s about to give him a complaint and attitude. (Strokes temples.) The only way they could have made her less qualified for a leadership role is if she was a toddler who had a speech impediment.

She doesn’t listen to orders, she complains when someone gives her orders she doesn’t like, and doesn’t get along well with anyone on screen. Hell when her character if first announced no one is happy about it! The president wants Briteis and Moore to get married. WHAT! (Frustratedly pulls hair from head and screams into my arm!) They are seriously prying into their personal lives and forces the two of them to get married! God 1950’s I know your relationship with women sucks, but this is one of the worst offenders of this! The only way it would worse is if he rapes her and she falls in love with him during it! I HATE THIS!!! Briteis hates him in the beginning and now she love him!? Hell Moore still doesn’t like her. Shouldn’t work and personal life not be mixed? Living together alone shouldn’t force a couple to get married! These characters have no backstory so Moore could have been in a relationship during the events of this! Calm down Jake only five more minutes left! A ship of supplies lands and immediate tips over when it arrives on the surface. “Bill it landed!” Crashed is the proper turn Colonel Dumbass.

Look closely for stagehand’s hand

I swear to god if one of those items is a dress it’s going in the worst list no matter what. They get married and Briteis makes a request to have Moore be a higher rank than her. Finally some sense! Give the good ranks to the person who is qualified to be a pilot! The president wants to talk to them and it’s a good thing they got President Richard Nixon to approve of this eve- Oh…a woman. So President Rachel Nixie gives Moore his rank and I believe that our female president made Briteis the leader of the operation because they were both women instead of the capable guy they had in charge of it at first! Yeah that may sound mean and sexist, but you know something. It’s the 50’s and considering how Briteis is written as a spoiled, incompetent, unprofessional, brat I wouldn’t be surprised!

The invention exchange is water juggling for Joel and insert-a-sketch (Etch-a-sketch parody) for the Mads. Both suck. The next skit is Tom, Joel, and Crow playing pretend as they pretend they are Cody, Ted, and Krog. Tom is Cody so he can fly, Joel is Ted, and Crow is Krog, but he wants to be Cody so he can fly around too. I like this skit. Makes me nostalgic of doing stuff like this with my brother, dad, and friends, but with Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, and Star Wars. The next skit is about how the ties are cut very short in the movie and how else they’ll be changing. Such as the full body tie, the anit-gravitie, the napkin tie, and an endless tie. As an avid tie fan and wearer I support this skit. It made me chuckle a few times. Last skit is fake goop called SPACOM named after the space organization name. It’s based off those terrible commercials for goofy multi-tools. Not funny. The problem with Commando Cody is that every episode is the same! Show the text crawl, show the real ending of last episode, he flies, beats people up, cut to aliens, cut to talking, action seen, cliffhanger ending. There’s a fine line between copying and being formulaic. It would also be one thing if the shorts were actually entertaining. They haven’t aged well for me because I know that Cody and pals will always live on. Main character eight times out of ten shall live to the end. You know my feelings about it already, but it bears repeating. Compared to later science fiction works, where women are full-fledged professionals, this movie portrays Briteis, as a nice but incompetent female who is easily frightened and turns to Major Moore as soon as things become dangerous. Why bother making her in charge if she sucks at her job. Oh right female President, probably some bias involved. I hated this movie so goddamn much! The effects, writing, plot, and logic were so bad even for 50’s crappy sci-fi standards and I love this genre! The episode also sucks with poor jokes and the only funny ones are the okay physical humor jokes.

Episode Rating – 0/10

Movie Rating – 0/10

Favorite Riff – (The physical humor of holding up the General’s cue cards)

Possible Stinger – The ship tipping over and Briteis saying, “Bill it landed!”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coLd_A_d7Mw

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FONTnIPCw0

First the thrilling follow up to the Bridge of Death! Like before see the scene replayed with previously unshown footage of Cody and Ted leaping to safety at the last minute. Finally successful in bringing in much-needed cash, the Moon Men’s hired thugs learn that their evil employers have changed their minds again. This time they want to set off an atomic explosion in the crater of a dormant volcano. Why do they trust these incompetent fools with their plans? They want this to happen because this will set off worldwide flooding not seen since the days of Noah. Odd when the Avatar blows up a volcano he destroys the Abyss (Ultima reference!) The thugs rent a plane to carry out this fiendish plan. They blow up the volcano with an atomic blast that’s about the magnitude of a couple sticks of dynamite and flooding ensues. Then it subsides with no apparent affect, and Cody tracks them. A balsa-wood-furniture-breaking fight ensues, after which the thugs kidnap Ted. Ted predictably escapes, and Cody chases them into a corner. Out of bullets, the thugs knock Cody over a cliff with a big rock. Is this the end? Of course not. Now the film.

It starts with the Slime People just showing up. They crawl out of the sewer and it shows a guy I guess they speared.

Get used to the fog!

Then it shows a guy piloting a plane. He wants to land in San Diego and they tell him to leave Los Angeles area and head North. Of course he doesn’t listen. Otherwise this would be a worthless scene. He wanders for a bit and finds no one. He finds some people in a car and it’s a professor and his daughters Bonnie and Lisa. Also the guys name is Tom. He drives off with them and they talk. They tell him about how the Slime People attacked LA, beat the army, and surrounded LA in a wall of fog. One of the daughters is an ungodly amount of perky. Funny thing is Tom is completely rational, but the moment the Professor brings up fish in the sea Tom immediately says he’s crazy and wants to get out.

Our heroes! Perky girl, brunette girl, mandatory scientist, and Tom

He is then shown the destroyed LA landscape. They find a crashed car with a corpse and a spear. Now he believes them, but the dome part sounds irrational. They find the footage about the Slime people and it shows a news report (Also note the crew member whose shadow can be seen). It shows some reports that just confirm that the people were evacuated from the beach areas and the military engaged in “hand to hand” combat. Why? You have guns! The reports talk to Dr. Bro and he confirms that they are fish creatures from the sewers and lived for many years long ago. They don’t know how they make the fog, but they know its so they can live on the surface. The next report i- HAHAHAHA! You can practically ONLY see the fog! I can barely make out the guy’s face! Apparently the fog hardened around and killed a guy.

The sad/best thing is that this isn’t the foggiest shot in the movie!

So the fog is now stone. Fantastic. Then some guy throws a film canister at them so Tom punches him in the face/ Joel and the bots engage in Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert jokes that are just bad. Two random drunk characters now for some reason. Then the sewer opens up and some Slime People show up. The costume is pretty good. A full body suit with wet, slimy scales, ridges on the back, and little whisker things.

They run in a building and they meet a guy with a gun and run some more. They get outside to safety, but a Slime Person gets through and they easy fend it off with a fire extinguisher. It gets through again, but they close the door on it and then all the fog vanishes. His name is Calvin. The fog appears again and the slime people kills the drunks. I love it. The fog just follows them wherever they go! They rest in a TV station and they try to contact the people and inform them they are attacking the area. Calvin is apparently a Marine. Bonnie is so ungodly amounts of perky. They plan to leave in the morning, get some chemicals, and try to break through the fog wall. But hey enough smart talk. Time for out of nowhere romance! Bonnie and Calvin immediately hit it off and he flat out asks if she had a boyfriend. Jesus dude time and place there a Slime People trying to kill you! They hook up I guess. The romantic saxophone, stilted dialog, out of nowhere kiss, and they say they’ll continue it later. Yep it’s 50’s romance! Gee wiz (He actually says that!) this movie is fun. Cut to the morning and Tom wakes them all up. They say they’ll do shopping separately. I think they mean looting. So Professor and Calvin talk about how the fog machine works and when the Professor leaves and he immediately hits on his daughter. She takes the words right out of my mouth, time and place. They meet an old friend of Tom named Toliver. He says the Slime People are fake. Ugh… I hate people. When does he die? “We shouldn’t leave him Tom.” Please do. He is sadly brought in, but thankfully they leave his goat. Yay the fog is back! Toliver is gonna die! Tom and Professor are gonna look for the wall and are ‘only’ gonna go 300 feet. Last time someone went out of sight about a hundred yards he was sent 100 years in the future (Twilight Zone reference)! They wander for a bit as the fog fills the screen and they look for the wall. Then they find the Slime Creatures! More fog! MORE FOG!!!

THIS IS AN ACTUAL SHOT OF THIS MOVIE!

The Slime People tug on the rope so Calvin and the girls run after him leaving the rope with Toliver. Oh god there is so much fog! I can barely see the screen! So they find the wall and start to set up the chemicals. They wander hilariously through the fog and now I think they’re gonna shoot each other. I think Bonnie got lost in the fog, but I can’t see a thing! They get back to the cars and Toliver complains to them about reckless driving and how he’ll make a book about this, despite the fact that he still doesn’t believe in the Slime People. “I’ll start with you all in the fog!” That exactly what the director said to every scene. They drop him out of the car and leave. See even the characters don’t like him! Please die Toliver! Sadly a Slime Creature apparently was in the car and attacks them. They drive off with Toliver with them and in tears. “I’ve never seen anything like it!” I COULDN’T EVEN SEE IT! Oh god…WHERE’D ALL THE FOG GO! Oh thank god! It was all in the town! The movie looked naked without. Also they just said they were low on gas. They were on the highway/mountain side. Then it shows the exact same car pull into town. Short drive. They hide out in a butcher shop and they immediately ambush them! Toliver drops to his knees and still believes they are a figment of our imagination. Then they leave him to die. Thank god I hate that character type! The idiot disbeliever who tries to dispel all of it as a hoax or prank. The conclude that they can get through the wall with salt cause Tom’s plane touches salt water and got through. Only with massive difficulty. So Calvin and Bonnie off alone. Two people dyin’ tonight!. No even a minute outside and Bonnie is already captured! Great plan military guy! Don’t then know to never split the party? Tom and Calvin meet in the fog and he drops his gun when they saw a Slime Person. Idiot. They make it back and conclude that Bonnie is still alive to lure them out. No for food and breeding purposes! They open the door and a Slime Person walks in and Tom just shoves it out and closes the door on its foot. They conclude that the Slime People are self-sealing. They go out looking for Bonnie and I’m fully expecting them both to drive off the side and into a building due to how foggy it is. Hell they hit two slime people and almost hit a pole. Okay the driving sucks! They are just shaking the car from side to side! They hop out of the car and run down a hill. They try to find her, but like the rest of the movie it’s just lost in the fog. I guess sound doesn’t travel far in the fog cause despite he shrieking like a banshee they don’t hear her! They find her hair though. In a wheat field, at night, in a massive fog! Thankfully the Slime People have no peripheral vision because a bunch of Slime People walk right past them! WHAT! They returned from commercial and a Slime Creature was killed and Bonnie was saved! Was this a joke on how seeable the movie is! Cause that’s both brilliant and hilarious! They find the fog machine and instead of destroying it, they go back to the Professor and Lisa.

The mighty fog machine of evil!

They leave to destroy it and there is so much fog I thought they left and entered onto the same set! THEY DID! HAHAHA! Calvin and Tom leave and Calvin has proved to be more of a liability than anything. Then Calvin and a Slime Person get into a fistfight and it starts with Calvin getting backhanded and falling back. He grabs the spear and pulls a Lavitz/Albert where he lifts himself with the spear and kicks it in the face (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxhO55Tt-aE Not as complex, but you should get the gist). Cue Star Trek fight score! Then I guess Calvin kills it, but once again the fog is so thick I can’t see anything! Tom wanders around and beats Slime People for a while. The rest arrives and Calvin goes in to help, but our hero has got it in the bag. Lisa is almost captured, but Tom tackles it and the Professor kills it with a spear. As they get closer and closer to the fog machine the Slime People close in. The Professor throws his spear at it and I kid you not, IT EXPLODES! Jesus Christ! Don’t mess with the Professor.

One of the most badass professors ever!

The Professor and Tom have more kills and impressive feats than Calvin. The fog disappears and all the Slime People die. The end.

In the intro Joel and Tom get up in the morning like normal people. Frustrated, grumpy, and still tired. Crow, on the other hand, is aggressively chipper. He makes up a morning poem. Joy oh joy. It’s pretty funny because of how true it is for morning and non-morning people. Invention exchange is cartoon eyeglasses that grow and shrink for Joel. Screaming cotton candy for the Mads. Eh, neither is all that good. Next skit is a fake court case about them convicting Commando Cody for crimes against reality (and bad acting). Crow is against him and Tom is all for him. They play up the courtroom clichés and it ends with Joel smashing C.C. with his gavel. It’s kinda funny. Next skit is Joel and the bots start talking about how the movie makes no sense then they go on a tangent. The tangent is talking about a show where some guy gets stranded on an island and makes robots out of boat parts and is forced to watch bad TV shows. When asked how they eat, Tom says, “You should relax it’s just a show”. UGH! That joke sucks! Next skit is a joke on how this movie has endless amounts of fog! You can barely see a damn thing! There are times when the screen is almost completely white! This skit is hilarious. I love fog machines so much! They can cover up the entire screen and you can make them settle for any time of day. A future movie has so much fog it’s practically night in almost every outdoor shot. I’d love to see the directing.

‘We got this good shot here, but you know what it needs fog! Lots and lots of fog!’

‘But there’s already so much fog!’

‘Well there’s not enough fog! (Waves fog machine around for like 10 minutes) Perfect! Action! (Actors stumble into each other, everyone misses their spots, no one can see a thing) And CUT! Perfect print it!’

I love this episode! It’s got good riffs, a funny skit, and the movie was fun. The movie is dumb and un-seeable at times, but goddamn is it funny. I have a soft spot for monster/alien attack movies and this I’ll be honest. If I saw this as a kid, I would have loved this movie. It’s got good tension, a good lead (Tom the Reporter not Calvin the Idiot Marine), it has its fun moments, and it starts out solid to an incomprehensible (and blinding) middle, to a tense ending. Some people might hate the over use of fog, but I find it funnier than anything. Check it out for a fun dumb movie. Riffed or not. Oh and Commando Cody. I didn’t like it like usual.

Episode Rating – 6/10

Movie Rating – 7/10

Favorite Riff – “Oh no does this mean we have to see clearly for the rest of the film!?”

Possible Stinger – Professor throwing the spear and blowing up the fog machine.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIygqcw50A

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfHJZxVK00g

Okay to the shorts first. This is honestly the point when I’m sick of Commando Cody. Cody rolls out of the car before it exploded and now he’s fighting some gangsters. Oh right the moon men hired cheap and goofy gangsters to capture Cody. They hi-jack a plane with a scientist and bail out when it starts to crash. Cody gets in, but BOOM the plane crashed. Sucks to be them….Just kidding they found a spare parachute and had enough time to escape unscathed. The gangsters try one last heist before the moon men kill them I guess, but they fail and only one is hospitalized. The just DIE I guess. With Cody en route to interrogate him, the injured gangster is transported to a top security facility. On they way the driver of the armored ambulance, falling for one the oldest tricks in the book, gets out to assist a fallen pedestrian. He turns out to be another gangster and the captive gangster gets away. When they learn that Cody is in pursuit, they ram an unmanned ambulance into Cody’s car, sending both vehicles over a cliff. The end? Find out next Cody Time, same Cody Place!
Okay now for Robot Monster! Okay so here’s the monster. A guy in a Gorilla suit, a diving helmet with TV antennas on top, and a Bubble Machine. I love this movie so much! The aliens (Yes that is the whole race!) called Ro-Men wipe out the Earth aside from like 6 people cause of immunity from their death rays. There are three scientists (One is a woman), a housewife, a young girl, and our child protagonist. So yeah the Ro-Man has to kill the Hu-Man, but he falls in love with the girl and he captures her. She can also tie herself up apparently. Kinky. I guess? The Ro-Man kills a few of them, but the High Council of Ro-Men kills Ro-Man due to his Hu-Man emotions and they destroy the Earth! Just kidding it was ALL a dream. So the kid goes to eat dinner and roll cast list! I adore this movie for all the best reasons. I know, it sucks, but goddamn! It transcends badness and becomes unbelievably goofy and lovable.
Okay this one has some explaining. This is probably my favorite episode of the season. Solely because of the movie! I absolutely love this movie. It’s campy, dumb, cheesy, has laughable dialog, ridiculous costumes, and overused footage. The amount of times they traverse over the same area claiming that it’s new and the lizard footage is over used all the time! The episode like most of season 1 sucks, but the movie is completely worth it! The sketches mostly suck. At the end they wear garbage bags…cause? At the beginning they do the damn Flaming (insert item here) invention again and it sucks again! The only tolerable skit is when Crow and Tom pretend to be Ro-Man to scare Joel, but I backfires and he starts beating them up. This episode is all right by season 1 standards, but just watch the movie alone and get some friends. You’ll have a better experience.
Time to get nostalgic. This is actually the third episode of the series of saw of the series and the first Joel episode I ever saw. This episode does hold a very, very soft and warm place in my heart.  If I had to see one Season 1 episode again. It would be this one.

Episode Rating – 2/10

Movie Rating – 10/10

Favorite Riff – “We’re only at half a billion bubbles so far I’ve been counting.”

Possible Stinger – Ro-Man – “Yes! To be like the Hu-Man. To laugh, feel, want.”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NacFWgA–kA

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq9IKsH9BXg

Okay the movie starts with the credits and we see that it stars Alan Hale Jr. (Skipper from Gilligan’s Island) and the lovely Allison Hayes (B-movie babe). This could be all right. Okay so the credits are in space, but an astronaut is looking out that space window. So does he see those credits? Then he starts begging from command to hear him. Is he upset the credits were over? So something goes wrong and down on Earth some guy is complaining to his secretary about the failure and lack of contact. This guy is reasonably upset. He leaves and talks to a few other guys. Then it randomly cuts back to the secretary sitting there and back to them without a word. Thank god we know she’s doing her job. They do the same thing again! What’s with the editing? They’re talking about the astronauts cracking under solitude, but that’s apparently not the case. There’s also a countdown to when he runs out of oxygen. When it runs out the original guy slams the table and it cuts to the girl and back to the men. One of the other people leave and it does the girl few second cut again. The other two guys talk and they find that the guy has survived for twenty minutes without air. He’s freaking out and wants to press the red button. He wants to kill people and he seems to have given acting lessons to Shatner. They press the red (technically gray) button and he explodes. Cut to a swinging 60’s club where teens are drinking, dancing, and played by 30 year olds. Oh and they’re not allowed to either dance or act. Two girls are talking about girl stuff and one the waiter talks about the explosion in the sky. They laugh an- Oh I guess we’re done with that scene okay. Cut to some guy named Paul driving down the street. He enters the same club and starts talking to the girls. So Paul and the blonde girl are dating and can’t act. It’s also apparently Christmas. They leave and…Bird’s the Word is playing in the background. No joke, no comment on the film, just….Bird’s the Word is playing. Okay I don’t think this waiter hasn’t had fun since WW2. Okay so the couple stops at the beach, play around, and make out. Thank god 30 year olds are playing these teens getting dressed on camera or else this would be massively illegal! So they go swimming and in the sand…is a piece of the spaceship! Aaaaah! They play around some more and then before they can get down and dirty they find the astronaut’s arm! Less aaaaaaah worthy. The guy doesn’t want to report the lost arm because….uh…stupid screenwriting? He leaves and drives back later to get the arm because….reasons! The guy from before (named Steve) and the good doctor talk about spaceship problems. So a radioactive rat can open regular locks and thinks now. That’s the explanation for the arm moving later. Oh god this next shot. It just shakes the camera back and forth to emulate the arm moving and knocking stuff over. Goody. So Paul’s mom goes down with a gun and blames it on the cat. What follows is a long boring scene of the arm moving, Pal sleeping, his mom waking up, drinking, going back to sleep, and repeating the process. Until the arm FINALLY lashes out and kills the mom. Paul wakes up finds his dead mom and calls the cops. This is why he should have reported the goddamn arm and not wrap it up in his closet! The cops show up and they question Paul. They leave and the arm finally strangles his dumb ass! The paramedics arrive and when they bring the dead body they find Paul. SADLY he’s alive! He runs out of the truck screaming and the paramedics don’t follow him. Everyone in this movie is a dumbass. Slam cut to the other guy shouting at Steve and his pal about him going foreword with another spaceship after the last two failures. I just realized something. Allison is only in like two scenes! Slam cut to plane, and then slam cut to Paul running down the street. He runs back into his house and he finds the sheriff waiting for him. Paul is an idiot. He takes the arm home, refuses help from doctors, and refuses help from the cops! He’s not in trouble for anything. Paul pulls out a recorder and he starts monologuing. Apparently he’s a lone wolf who wanted all the credit to himself. No he’s just an idiot. Also he almost gave Shatner a run for his money. He looks like he’s about to drop dead at any moment. Then he gets double black eyes so is he a zombie now? Steve and his buddy show up and want permission to search the house, but the officer obviously tells them to piss off. Paul leaves the two dudes a note saying he’ll talk to them that night. His girlfriend shows up to see if he’s okay, but he tells her to get out of the house (Many times!). Steve and pal show up at night and they find radioactivity on the shelf and ceiling. Then Paul attacks them and runs off! Then the cop doesn’t even notice! Will someone please shoot him! UGH!!! Paul runs to the club and almost kills the waiter to Bird is the Word. He snaps out of it and runs off. The females talk about Paul and they never once bring up how dumb he is. Paul shows up as the other girl leaves. He talks about how he’s going to go away after he says goodbye and maybe destroys the hand. He claims the waiter is the only person he could have relied on, but they’ve never interacted. He turns crazy again and almost kills her, but doesn’t. Steve and pal are arrested for trespassing and they keep telling the cops, “Chase Paul! He’s dangerous!” They arrive at the girl’s house and she says it was the hand that did it! Which we haven’t seen in lord knows how long! Paul runs home and finds the hand, then drives off. Paul drives fast with the cops chasing him and the hand (I kid you not) crawls out of the trunk, into the back seat and strangles Paul. Paul parks (not crashes, parks) into a garbage dumb and fights with the arm. It’s a dumb scene that goes on far too long. They catch up to him and the sheriff pulls a gun on Paul and says if he doesn’t come he’ll shoot. Steve says he’s just a kid and Sheriff reminds him that he almost killed three maybe four people. YES! KILL PAUL! ‘I don’t want to hurt you Paul’ I DO KILL HIM! Then- WHAT? Two cats just start fighting! Then they EAT THE ARM! WHAT!? Then Paul passes out and they say have to bring him to a hospital. NO! HE WAS ALMOST SHOT! PUT A BULLET IN HIM AND SAY IT WAS SELF DEFENSE! YOU ARE THE LAW! They say Paul is going to be just fine and it ends!

The invention exchange is the safety saw that turns off when your body is near it for Joel. He did a funny gag where he used fake fingers and cut them off much to the shock for the Mads. Dr. F’s is the limb lengthener. First skit is bowling. Funny (Sarcasm). Okay this next skit is funny. Fake hands are strangling them and they do Shatner impressions. This is funny solely because I love Shatner impressions. Next skit is Crow talking about how the killer arm isn’t scary, but a giant fake hand attacks him. I hated this movie and episode. The riffs are barely funny; it drags at a long pace, and I HATED Paul. He is so poorly acted and written that he is one of the most unlikeable hero characters I’ve seen in a while. He brought all of it on himself and he is the reason his mom died, and all those others almost died! If he just reported it there would be no issue! GOOD LORD I WAS PROMISED ALLISON HAYES AND A KILLER HAND AND I DIDN’T GET IT! The hand should have killed people and ended with the cats eating it! PAUL SHOULD HAVE DIED SECOND!!! AND MORE ALLISON HAYES!

Episode Rating – 0/10

Movie Rating – 0/10

Favorite Riff – None

Possible Stinger – Paul getting strangled.

Episode –  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQsQFijFRkg

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpZSe4tDphE

Verse same as the rest. Don’t worry the show gets better trust me! The short is Commando Cody – Chapter Three, Bridge of Death. In this episode people talk as little possible, fist fight, throw a cheap dummy off a cliff, and there are three chase scenes (On foot, by spaceship, and by car). The end of the last chase crosses the bridge of death (Sadly not over the Gorge of Eternal Peril), which explodes, sending Cody’s flaming car into the river. Guess he didn’t know the capital of Assyria.

The movie sucks just as much as the short. It has Bela Lugosi as an evil scientist who kills brides, steals their corpses, and uses their life to keep is his wife alive. A female news reporter finds one of the places and is forced to stay because of storm. This won’t end well. She meets a humpback assistant. Sadly not Ygor for Son of Frankenstein…wait he wasn’t even a hunchback! Oh and he also has a dwarf brother. So the reporter finds them sleeping in coffins, disposing bodies, and killing the hunchback. He must suck as a boss. People stage a fake wedding and they catch Bela. However he kills the dwarf and captures the reporter. Man they suck at keeping people in custody. Patricia and Fagah (the hunchback and dwarf’s mom) kill the Bela and his wife. The reporter gives up on reporting and becomes a housewife…cause 40’s and all. The sketches aren’t all that funny. Tom and Crow, looking at a magazine, and talking about clowns. Yay? This is a downright awful episode. Occasionally I got a smirk, but I just hated it. The movie’s got all the right clichés: a mad doctor, a go-getting female reporter, a hunchback, a dwarf, and lots of young female victims. The problem is, it makes next to no sense. As Crow cleverly puts it in the final host segment, “He’s trying to commit an inconspicuous murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman’s life.” There has got to be an easier ways to get fresh young female corpses. Some of the comments are occasionally funny, but the movie’s bad pacing and unfollowable plot make it difficult viewing.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 2/10

Favorite Riff – “He’s trying to commit an inconspicuous murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman’s life.”

Possible Stinger – Woman dying at her wedding and people freaking out.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90hc7M_vKv0

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNkm0SLjobQ

The movie is about a bunch of astronauts who are bringing a race of aliens called Centurions with them to Earth. There’s a lot of bigotry towards the Centurions for unexplained reasons. The ship crashes, everyone gets separated and Linda one of the Centurions is rescued by a half human, half Centurion man named Tang. An away team leaves to find them and they have to endure such grueling challenges like dry ice and a spider puppet! Tang and Linda fall in love and she can’t decide if she wants to leave or stay with Tang. However some savages attack her and Tang is beaten up. The away team shows up and kills ALL of the savages. Well that wrapped up quickly. Then one of the dumbasses shoots Tang. Linda is brought back to the ship and then a volcano erupts! She runs out to be with Tang as the volcano erupts and the ship starts to take off without some of the people. The Admiral wants to go back for her because apparently he’s her father figure, but our male lead punches him and drags him back to the ship. Just as they lift off I guess the volcano just stops erupting. Thankfully though, Tang and Linda find each other again and embrace! Good I actually wanted them to stay together. They could go back, but the Admiral says not to despite the fact that he was about to die going back for her! Like most of Season 1 this episode sucks. The jokes aren’t all that funny, the inventions are dull, the sketches are lack luster at best, and the movie isn’t all that bad! The problem with this episode is that I have next to no problems with it as a movie. Sure the effects suck ass, some of the comic relief is annoying, the story went at a snails pace, and the acting is stilted at times. However the story is all right when it moved, there’s some decent tension at the end, and I did like Tang and Linda. The sketches revolved around the crew disabling a satellite and I’ll be honest I just skipped over them to watch the movie. This is one of the episodes where I just have to say, watch the movie itself and you’ll get a lot more enjoyment. One last thing. There is only one woman on the semi-prehistoric planet. It should be called, Centurions of the Mysterious Planet or something like that.

Episode Rating – 0/10

Movie Rating – 6/10

Favorite Riff – None

Possible Stinger – Men shooting a fake spider.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNtcSALSlxk

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuEefWBdMoQ

Short is first. After escaping Retik, Cody and his pals devise a plan to enter the villain’s lair. Once there, they inject nitrous oxide into the ventilating system, knock out the bad guys, and steal the atomic ray gun. The plan works fine, but as they make their getaway with the gun, Cody and his sidekick Ted are pursued by Moon Men in a moon tank and get trapped in a cave. The Moon Men melt the rock walls with another laser and cause molten lava to rush towards Cody and Ted.

Now the movie! So after the credits it shows a wolf howling, then in a cage. PETA would love this movie. Blood is being taken from the wolf and is inserted to a guy by an evil doctor named Cameron. Cameron says he has nothing to worry about, but experience says he has everything to worry about. The guy passes out and turns into a werewolf! Cameron is glad and shockingly he wants to use it as a weapon of peace! Then he remembers that a bunch of guys said he was insane for wanting that and begins to plot his revenge! I guess he has to insert the potion into him to change the guy back, which is not going to bode well for later. The guy remembers none of the transformation and only remembers it as a dream where he was chasing and wanting to kill people. The doctor said it was just a nightmare and as they go off to bed they meet Camerons daughter, Lenora. Also it seems the guy is a bit…special…it’s odd for the 40’s. So on and off wolfman is their gardener and has feelings for Lenora. Worked for Forrest Gump so he has a chance. Cameron sees them interacting and has him leave the garden and go to the lab to be a subject of SCIENCE! So he has the guy strapped down and turns him into a werewolf again. Then he lets the guy out and he wanders as a werewolf. So in other words he wanders around a fake forest with lots of fog. So they cut to some house in the middle of the woods with a guy and his family. The little girl wants to play with her ball. This does not bode well. Then a random hunter shot at the wolfman and the hunter gets away and into the house, while he is chased. Then the wolfman sneaks in through the girl’s window and I assume he kills her! Before the family can see it the wolfman is already gone and back at the lab. Cameron turns him back and he once again thinks he had a bad dream again. Some guy walks in and Cameron welcomes him. White suit, white skin, black tie, slicked to the side hair, and cheeky grin. I’ve got my money on a bet that he’s a reporter and I know I’m gonna win. Yes he is! We’ve lined up the cast. Man made monster, doctor, doctor’s daughter, and the reporter. Sounds like a 40’s monster movie. Well they talk about a story and a DEAD CHILD! Jesus 1930 – 50’s movies what’s up with you and dead little girls! Our ‘genius’ reporter thinks it a giant lizard. No, no that’s in about 3 seasons! Well that scene was almost pointless. Then I guess Cameron goes to the house of one of the doctors who doubted him and he tries to gloat to him about his success. Then Cameron brings the wolfman to the other doctor and doesn’t show him transform. He leaves the guy with the other doctor and he calls one of the other skeptical doctors. The two talk exposition for a bit and the other doctor talks to the wolfman for more exposition. Cameron is shown with some other guy in the middle of the forest and they walk back to the other doctor’s house. The doctor inserts the potion in the wolfman and he slowly transforms as Cameron is on his way and almost has a heart attack. The wolf effect is muttonchops and a beard combo with fake fangs. Hilarious. The werewolf stealthily gets up and strangles the doctor. He screams so loud that Cameron, the other guy, and some cop can hear him and sprint. They’re too late, but Cameron takes his potion and leaves. The reporter shows up at the scene of the crime and they are all shacked at this strangling. So back at Cameron’s house the wolfman was changed back and know he is making creepy faces at Lenora and gets the feeling he is told to do terrible things. Cameron walks on, slaps him, and tells him to go to his room. Ugh…I hate that they make characters like the wolfman. Watch it and you’ll understand. He seems very…dim. His daughter and him argue for a moment, but they get over it and talk about how awesome he is. Then the reporter (I think) meets with the dead girl’s dad and we get nothing from it. This scene was pointless. Then we see Cameron open up the door to see the werewolf?! He doesn’t even need the transformation potion now! He keeps threatening him into submission with a whip and makes him human again. 3^rd verse same as the rest skip this wake up scene! So the reporter is STILL talking to this guy and they’re just talking about a scene we already saw. The reporter shows up to Cameron’s house then loudly talks about his suspicions. Now he has to die! No he doesn’t, but another Doctor shows up. She congratulates Cameron so he might not die. Cameron goes crazy about how he can control evolution and be god. The doctor calls him crazy and hopes he will give up his crazy ideas. Okay time for him to die. He leaves with the wolfman apparently and a hunting party is set up to kill the werewolf. He changes into the werewolf and almost kills the doctor and makes the car tip over. I’m assuming the direction was “Stand there and look ‘scary’ at the camera”. The hunters find them and as the wolfman runs off they find out that the doctor was still alive. So they bring him back to Cameron’s house! This won’t end well for anyone. Lenora and reporter conclude that the gardener is the werewolf and he coincidently arrives at the exact same time! Then Cameron poisons the doctor as another skeptical doctor arrives! Jesus Christ it must be this guy’s lucky week! Lenora finds the lab and sees the wolfman! She screams, Cameron and the reporter arrive, reporter throws a chair, and lightning strikes some chemicals, causing a fire, wolfman kills Cameron, and the house burns down. ALL HAPPENIGN WITHIN LIKE TWO MAYBE THREE MINUTES! The End!

A bit of trivia, Glenn Strange, who plays the werewolf, would later take up the role of Frankenstein’s Monster in several of Universal’s movies (House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein). The invention exchange is a Flaming Handbag for Joel and it’s dumb (how do you open it without it burning?). Dr. F’s is a fire-breathing dinosaur for realistic playtime. Also dumb. The next skit is Tom hitting on Joel’s blender…hilarious (Sadly you all can’t hear just how sarcastic I said that!). The next skit is them talking about how all the violence was implied and not shown. It’s decent. Not all that funny. Third skit is OH GOD! Joel switched Tom and Crow’s heads! Absolutely horrible! This movie sucked. The pacing and make up are bad, the story is contrived and coincidental, characters are idiots, and it feels slow as molasses for most of it and the end speeds through like a goddamn bullet! The riffs aren’t that funny either with less chuckles or laughs that the previous two. Robot Vs The Aztec Mummy was a worse movie, but this is the worse episode.

Episode Rating – 1/10

Movie Rating – 2/10

Favorite Riff – “Peitro could you give me a hand. My thumbs are stuck in my jacket – oops I’m fine.”

Possible Stinger – Doctor screaming and being heard by the others in the forest.

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzOse9bqUOY

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xi8SWRlcmN0