Declared a bigger stink bomb than The Unearthly. I can believe it. We begin with Fu Manchu (played by Christopher Lee, but dubbed by some other guy) monologuing. We see stock footage from a Titanic movie and cut back to Fu’s base. Then Fu wants to strengthen his power, but someone is hesitant. There’s a funny bit of Fu arguing with his subordinate shouting at each other over them pulling the lever. The guy goes to move it back so Fu shoots him. An iceberg appears and we see nobs being turned and stuff blowing up in his base. So the ship sinks as Fu watches with…vague interest. Actually I have a big question. Where is he? Is he on a boat? Is he in a submarine? Is he nowhere near them? Can I please have some context? None of that is answered as we cut over to…somewhere as the opening theme plays. The theme is very nice and Tom’s singing is very good to.
Even the Towers have a credit!
Cut to nature! We see two guys fishing and one of them messes up. All I know is that they are British. We learned one of them is named Alan Smith. I’m convinced his dubber changed between lines. One line its British the next line it’s almost Schwarzenegger. We cut over to parliament and they are discussing messages from Fu. Then as we get a message we pan around and OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED!? We went from good lighting to everything is completely back, but people’s faces have a red and green tint! The screen is almost completely black! We there are some “regular shots” that have a light green filter and will SOMEONE STOP THE CAMERA FROM SHAKING! They talk about his plan to flood the world. They go to Istanbul and we see a woman and a lady in a fez. The talk a bit and we see a guy watching them. We watch them walk for a bit. Cut to a building and we see a man smoking from a hookah and he talks with the women. She is offering complete control of half the opium routes in the world. They go through a plan while we see the opening credits with a blue filter. Cut over to them driving to the castle and they get through security no problem. As they get through the gates they just open fire on the guards and the girl who was with Fu earlier leads in a bunch of ninjas who kill all guards really easily. In an inside shot we see it’s nighttime when it was day in every shot. The fat leader of the castle is fat and can’t make audible noise. As Fu and the girl arrive and I just learned they were father & daughter. Fu immediately betrays the Turks they hired and in a really terrible action scene that just cuts several times to the same shot. Fu imprisons them all declares this to be their castle and that they have one week.
We cut back to parliament and Smith talks to a guy about his book and world authority. It apparently gives the idea that it would give away Fu’s location. The other guy’s dubbing is so bad I can’t hear a word he says. Smith is told that Fu is currently in Istanbul. We see Fu watch over a sick and dying man. I know he’s saying something, but the quiet voice, that’s always gasping, and the music makes it impossible to hear him. Quote Joel “I am learning way to much about this man’s nasal hairs.” HOW DID HE GET THERE!? They just cut to the daughter (whom was behind Fu) and then out of nowhere a huge, beefy dude were close next to her! We see a girl get out of the car and walk around a bit. She keeps looking around like someone following her, but it’s just a pigeon. Also the lighting keeps changing between every shot. If that’s not terrible film making I don’t know what is. We see some Smith and they guy from earlier to meet with the woman and some other doctor. The woman goes to the door and is knocked out by some ninjas. The doctor the woman (Ingrid) met is also kidnapped by ninjas and there’s suddenly a blue filter on the camera. We see some guys in fez caps chatting. I don’t know who these guys are and we have never met one of them before. Wait! That fez guy from a scene ago shows up the Turkish guys who Fu betrayed and their leader was still alive!? I thought he was dead! Also there’s a green filter on and then there isn’t! Why are you adding and removing colors to a colored film!? They kill the guy. The scene is telling us everything we already know. This scene was absolutely pointless. Back in Fu’s Castle with the black and red filming. When there isn’t black it’s a green tint. So the man’s name is Kesler and the gal’s name is Ingrid. Back to the useable filming THIS SHOT IS ENTIRELY BLACK! It’s infuriating just how frequently the lighting changes in between shots. Ingrid’s acting is so vapid it’s putting me to sleep better than the lack of dialog. Oh god this next scene is the flipside of the coin. Way to bright at the start. Then a guy just gets stabbed by the fez wearers. Cut back to Fu as Kesler and Ingrid are brought before Fu. Then we cut back to the old doctor and Fu making Kesler and Ingrid give him the heart.
Fu uses the power of colored stock footage to a dam bursting. This scene goes on for a few minutes and it feels even longer. When it finally bursts the editing just explodes!
That guy who’s traveling with Smith is absolutely useless. He’s so useless Smith just tells him not to follow him. We see a long scene of Ingrid and Kesler talking. It’s dull as all her. It’s shot between bars so most of it is obscured. We see a long a boring operating scene just drags even longer than the dam scene. I refuse to use the word cinematography because there is nothing resembling cinema in this. Fu gives another warning to the people. More scenes with the fez guy and I’m still wondering what their purpose is. Smith tries to ally himself with the fez guys and we cut back to Fu. Fu says they have no alternative and holds Ingrid hostage. I’ll give her this. The woman who play’s Fu’s daughter Tsai Chin is beautiful and she does appear to be good in other things. Fu releases the fez guy and still holds the woman from earlier. He tries to kill Fu by throwing a knife and it misses by a mile. JESUS HOW MANY OF THESE SHOTS ARE JUST BLACK!? The woman manages to flee and runs down the halls of the dungeon. After the fez guy tells Fu about Smith the daughter kills him. We see the stupid ninjas running through the fields where everyone can see them. Wait…We see Kesler and Ingrid watching over the old doctor. Ingrid was locked up in an early scene! Did they decide to bring them back!? We see the two guys the plot keeps pushing aside and I wonder the context of this scene. Like nothing is going on other than Fu give another message. Smith survived an explosion and swam to Fu’s castle. This is a two minute scene of dialog with two people I cannot see…Astounding. Just fucking astounding. Kesler apparently stole some acid that melted through the doors. Bringing back everyone’s favorite black and red filming. Fu begins to release his water weapon and Fu decides to mess with Smith by blowing up a computer he was talking to. Smith finds the old doctor as he fights ninjas while the girl does jack shit. They take the old guy and try to lead him through the cave. The woman’s pants blend in with the background so I keep thinking she’s not wearing pants. Also the gates of eternity they went through led to the front door. Kesler and Ingrid get water dropped on them. The girl runs back for the fez guy who unknown to her is dead. I would complain about more darkness shots, but I’ve given up. Kesler and Ingrid somehow got out and they easily dispatch the ninjas. The castle starts to explode for some reason. Fu looks about as confused as me as he just stands around looking confused. Then a character we’ve never seen before goes and saves Kesler and Ingrid. As the castle finally explodes we see Smith looking over the horizon and we hear Fu’s inner monologue swearing he will be back. Spoiler alert. This movie did so bad they canceled the sixth film in the series before production was even conceived. You can abrely read the credits with a ed background and yellow letters. Genius…
In the beginning the SoL crew sings the Satellite of Love Marching Song. It’s a happy tune about their situation. This good mood won’t stay. It is a good song though. The crew celebrates their successful performance and the Mads promise an awful, awful movie. The Bots create a new Long-Distance Telephone Transducer, Joel forgets the invention and re-presents the Big Head, and the Mads create a Stinky Bomb that turns anyone into Joe Besser. I would like the bomb. Crow gives an editorial about casting white actors as non-white characters. Crow breaks down and the Mads laugh in delight. Next skit is SoL tries to do the “Shriner Flying Carpet” sketch, only to have Tom burst into tears about the movie. Crow puts it best, “How is this sketch any different from any other movie we do?” The Mads celebrate and order dinner. Joel tries to cheer up the bots, but they don’t want to be cheered up. Joel shows off pictures showing the “life” of Fu Manchu. It’s dull and dumb. Joel eventually gives in and breaks down himself. The Mads celebrate with pie. At the end the SoL crew finally breaks down and the Mads celebrate. Joel dares the Mads to riff the movie. They try and concede almost immediately. They celebrate.
This movie is…MY GOD! The film is a cinematic nightmare! It’s a colored film that has colored lenses over the camera, the editing is absolutely atrocious, the dubbing is barely audible, the action is almost nonexistent, characters just appear and vanish from the film, and despite having a simple story it’s almost un-follow able. The lighting frequently changing between shots and the very quick editing is a strain on the eyes and makes many sequences a chore and pain to sit through. This is up there as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and the MST3K crew agrees with me as they believe it’s one of the toughest films they’ve had to watch and write for. I’m inclined to agree, but there’s one more movie next season that rivals this one for spot of worst movie (on a technical aspect). The only good this movie has is that the soundtrack is okay most of the time. This movie should be shown in college classes and broken down. Step by step. Showing exactly what NOT to do while making a movie. The jokes are kinda funny and the sketches are all the same. This is a movie the riffs couldn’t save, but really I don’t blame the MST3K crew. The movie gives you nothing to work with! Don’t see it. For your own good.
Episode Rating – 5/10
Movie Rating – 0/10
Favorite Riff – Tom singing during the opening credits, Credit says Harry Alan Towers “Look even the towers got a credit.”, “Did the director take his lessons of walking scenes from ROGER CORMAN!?”, “Hey lets not queue the audience in on the plot yet.”
Stinger – The ninjas kill a guard by jumping on him.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a79zt_eGZeU
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QLN47-NwqY
