FVI has once again showed up on the show. This time it’s a TV series called The Master. Not a failed TV pilot. An actual TV show! They just used a bunch of episodes from a 13 episode TV show and turned it into SEVEN MOVIES! Thankfully we don’t watch all of them. Staring Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten. We get an opening narration as one of our heroes named Max gets thrown out a window. He ends up destroying a bunch of motorcycles as they chase after him. Cut over to Japan and we see Lee Van Cleef fighting some ninjas. He dispatches them all with little effort and this is a cool action scene. We hear from the narrator he was looking for a daughter he didn’t know he had. He gets hit in the back with a shuriken before he can get into the plane, but he gets away. Cut to back to America and we see Max talking to his Gerbil as he picks up a girl. She wants to go an airport and we learn her name is Holly. After an extensive chase scene the car chasing them rolled over and exploded. Also that was a cop. Max drops her off at an airstrip and they part ways. Lee Van Cleef was okay and was picked up by a truck driver. Cut to Max at a bar as he meets with some people and chat. Lee gets harassed by the cop from earlier when his suit case opens and all his ninja gear is exposed. In a humorous bit of editing Max gets up to confront the sheriff and then we see him get thrown out the window. Lee destroys a light and then he just destroys the bar. This is a funny scene, but the funniest is when he kicks the roof and it collapses before he even touches it. Don’t mess with Lee Van Cleef. Lee and Max leave and they chat about ninjas. They go down to the airstrip and people are talking about selling the airstrip. The owner is adamant against it. The Sheriff shows up as Max and Holly bring Lee into a room. Also she just kisses him. He got paid to kiss Demi Moore. Lucky man. They chat for a bit and we learn that Lee was a US air pilot who decided to stay in Japan due to the tranquility. Yeah I bet there was a LOT of tranquility in post war Japan. They chat for a bit and Max wants to become a ninja. Lee doesn’t want to take him as an apprentice and I was getting some Star Wars vibes. After being turned down he leaves. We see a guy slathering gasoline on a plane. After Max leaves they light they light the plane on fire. Then we see a party about people talking. Max storms in and talks about how the plane strip was lit on fire. Max gets thrown out and Lee finally accepts they begin training. Lee kicks Max’s ass. Cue training montage! There’s some talking and the two bother the cop from earlier. They find out he was the one who burned the plane and get the names of the others. Max goes in and takes out some men as Lee’s stunt double climbs the building. We see some ninja who wore chainmail on his head. I sense a ninja off! Then a random helicopter shot. Quote Crow, “Meanwhile Tommy is having a Nam flashback.” Max meets the first episode’s villain who tried to burn the plane strip. Max throws a shurikan at the guy and kills him. The evil ninja draws his bow and arrow and they are useless as Lee catches them all. Max says he’ll take the ninja then gets his ass handed to him. The evil ninja throws down some smoke bombs then they engage in a goofy fight with a lot of explosions and flips. Lee spares him and the two walk off. They drive off and that ends the first episode. Next episode begins with a crippled girl watching a dance. Max talks to her after the dance as Lee chats with one of the characters of the day. Then the villains show up as another girl starts dancing. Lee notices the villain is wearing a ring with snakes. The ring doesn’t have the snakes facing each other, but one. So we know that he isn’t part of Thulsa Doom’s cult. The cripped girl watches recordings of her parents dancing. The villains walks in and Joel snarks, “We’d like to buy her wheel chair.” Max sneaks back stage and tries to talk with the dancer. Also this reminds me of Showgirls. Max then kicks the bouncer’s ass. Snake ring guy is a fellow ninja from his dialog with Lee. He gets the address of Lee’s daughter and they find out that she has some trouble. The leave and start some driving. They get shot at and charsed by the guys from the club who turn out to be other ninjas. They pull over and immediately lose their pursuers. Lee is clad in his ninja gear and his stunt double does some climbing. He jumps onto the car and now I wonder by he didn’t put his mask on. He removes the car’s steering wheel and it crashes into the sea. They chat for a bit and we see the villains. Also minor thing, but I like this stereotypical Asian music. It has a nice rhythm and beat to it. The villains decide to kidnap one of the daughters because the club boss won’t pay for protection. Then we see the crippled girl attempt to walk when she’s the only one in the room. This seems unwise. Lee shows up, but doesn’t help her. He offers some advise and helps her back into her chair. The dancer daughter is kidnapped after Max gets knocked out. They just give in and Max is none to pleased. Lee explains that this is a ruse. The wheelchair girl goes to deliver the cash and Lee sneaks on beneath the villain’s car. They stop and Lee sneaks off. Max goes with Lee and he dons his ninja garb. After a really short fight scene they escape and make the dancer walk across the high wire. Then we see Max walk across the high wire. He has progressed far. Then Lee and the snake ninja have a duel. It ends with Lee putting his suit on some electric stuff that kills the evil ninja. We watch some old dancing and that wraps up the episode. Also turns the girl we heard about earlier wasn’t his daughter. Of both MST3K and Master Ninja. The end.
In the prologue the Bots make up model cars. Eh. For the invention exchange the Mads make Boil-In-A-Bag IVs, while Joel and the Bots make adult-oriented pop-up books. Neither was all that funny or cool. Next up Crow brings up the terrifying “Van Patten Project”! Putting Van Pattens in all sorts of shows! This was great. When Joel asked what his point was Crow said he had none. Middle skit is Joel and the bots having a war of background music. This is great. Next up Joel and the Bots demonstrate alternatives to nunchucks. Eh. The SOL crew creates the “Master Ninja Theme Song”. It is heavenly. This is a great episode. Just like before with Time of the Apes and Fugitive Alien I felt like this is a show I would watch and actually like. I have a fondness for stupid ninja stuff and Lee Van Cleef as an actor. The riffs are funny and the skits are mostly great. I highly recommend it.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 8/10
Favorite Riff – Villain shoots a lamp, “WHO IS IT!?”, “I hear his theme music. He’s around here somewhere!”, ‘You’re a dancer. DANCE!’ “You’re an actor. ACT!”
Stinger – “To them it’s some kind of ritual.”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic5OlGtVq1g
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAZp_wbv0h4