We start with a loud and annoying song about Santa. We see that someone is on TV talking about Santa. We pan and see two alien kids “watching” the TV. I say watching in quotes because their dead eyes could be anywhere. We see the interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus freaks out. Also this is a slight spoiler for the kids. We get to hear the interviewer say he hopes the Martians have a Santa. Then we cut to Mars and we see a cape wearing Martian named Kimar looking for someone. He finds him sleeping and wakes him with a…..tickle staff? I don’t know. We meet Dropo “The Laziest Man on Mars”. These kids look dead! The kids go to bed and their acting is about as dead as their eyes. We see Kimar meet with the Martian Elder. Also the elder acts like he’s about to die. We see Voldar a Martian with a bushy Ron Swanson mustache. Then he just passes out and explodes. DID HE JUST DIE!? Voldar says the kids would be a nuisance if they were happy, but Kimar wants to get the kids lively and alive. The Martians are over Earth. They see fake Santa Clauses on the streets and say they’ll take one. Also Dropo was hidden in the Radar Box. Then he almost crashes the ship. Just kill him now please. We see two kids who listen to the news on their radio. The boy asks the girl what she would to if she saw a Martian and the Martians show up. Great timing I guess. The boy tells her to shut up and when they interact with the kids. The boy is named Betty and the girl is named Betty. They learn of the true Santa Claus and they bring them to the North Pole. We hear that the military is still looking for the space ship and we see STOCK FOOTAGE FROM STARFIGHTERS! THAT’S A NEW LOW! Dropo shows the kids around the ship and this won’t end well. I want to murder Dropo. More Martians show up and Dropo hides them in the Radar Box. Also why is there so much room on the radar controls? Also they have a robot. We see the kids sneak off and pull some wires. We see a very, very fake set and the kids run. They are also not freezing to death immediately. Same with the aliens. The kids hide in a cave to avoid Voldar., but we see a…a guy in an obvious bear suit.
Like its obvious and it’s awful. At least the “T-Rex” in King Dinosaur is an actual lizard and not a stupid suit! I know it’s a low blow now, but the robot catches the kids. The robot in question makes Ro-Man look dignified. Also in the slow, slow scene of the robot walking towards them they don’t move and girl keeps this horrifying look of her mouth open. Voldar tells the robot to kill the, but Kimar says he set the robot to only obey him.
The robot tries to capture Santa, but it doesn’t. The Martians run in and freeze some Elves and Mrs. Claus. They drag him back to the ship and they take off.
This is an actual thing put to film.
Also the kidnapping of Santa Claus is what brings the world together. Not killing Hitler, not ending the Cold War, not the disarming of nuclear weapons. The kidnapping of Santa Claus. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but there’s only so much I can handle. A bearded Martian laughs and he talks about how funny Santa is. Voldor is pissed about that. The kids have no reaction to Santa’s jokes so he asks why they weren’t laughing. It was a terrible joke. That is just like sitting in history class. Also Dropo shows up to make them laugh. I only want to really kill myself when he’s on screen. “Geez Mars must be a terrible place.” Almost as bad as this movie. Also the kids are more dispirited than me.
You cannot convince me that kid isn’t having a Nam Flashback
Voldor tries to shove them into the airlock and shoot them into space. Voldar gloats that he killed the kids and we see an AWFUL fight scene. Okay the only thing worse than the kid’s dead eyes are the kids laughing. Also Voldar escaped thanks to our ‘lovable’ dumbass. That gets dropped so we can introduce Santa and the kids to the Martian kids. We partake in the most terrifying and worst scene in the movie. Everyone just laughs. The laugh like mad, they laugh like crazy people, and it just STARTS! This movie over! We see Voldar and some other guy talk about killing Santa. Also an alien named Jim. I forgot to mention before everyone speaks the universal language. English. “So all of Mars will be filled with blubbering idiots!” You all are idiots already. Also more footage keeps skipping to the point where a scene just cuts to black for almost a minute. The kids step all over Kimar’s lines to the point where he has to repeat them. No second take. Just repeat your line. Dropo tries to get himself super fat and I believe he’s gonna end up as Mars’ Santa. Please don’t end that way.
We see some stupid slapstick as Voldar and some other guys go to break the toy machine. They capture Dropo and mistake him for Santa. Santa just start laughing again and Kimar stares daggers at him. Santa begins the toy machine and it makes weird monstrosities. Voldar wants to bargain with the fake Santa and they have yet to realize that Dropo is not Santa despite having the antennas. Also Kimar doesn’t call their BS immediately. Dropo escapes. There was much….No there was no rejoicing. Voldar attempts to escape again. Then an awful scene of everyone tormenting Voldar with toys. Also expressions are once again terrifying. Is it wrong that the chess scenes in Seventh Seal feel shorter than these scenes. ____! I was right! Dropo becomes the Santa of Mars! Santa and the kids leave and it FINALLY ENDS!!! It ends with the opening credits of Incredible Melting Man.
In the beginning the Bots pore over expensive Christmas catalogs and tell Joel what they want for Christmas. Tom wants an inflatable bathtub pillow. Gypsy wants a pony. Crow loudly declares he wants to decide who lives and dies. Don’t we all. This skit is funny. The Mads invention is the Wish Squisher, which can turn any cool present into something horrifically lame. Joel and the Bots’ is the Misfit Toys. This is a funny one. I would so play the Roadhouse board game! Next up is Crow writes his own Christmas carol, “A Patrick Swayze Christmas”. Thanks to some violent lyrics, Joel drags Crow off. This is amazing! Middle skit is Joel tricks Frank into sending up more Christmas specials. Some are good, and some are really, really bad. Funny at first, but dragged at the end. Fourth skit is the SoL reading their Christmas essays. Crow reads “A Christmas Editorial”, Tom reads the classic “A Child’s Christmas in Space”, Joel reads about 70’s office parties, and Gypsy says it all. Eh. The final skit is the SoL crew singing their version of “Angels We Have Heard on High”, they go through their stockings and the Mads exchange gifts. Joel got a letter, Gypsy got a picture of Richard Basehart, Tom got candy and stuff, and Crow got, a bunch of weird sports stuff. Dr. F got a watch and Frank got a book bound in barbed wire. Touching.
This episode was particularly painful. To me there is nothing worse than a bad/annoying kid movie. The only thing close to it is a boring film. This was both of them. The jokes were eh and the skits were either bad or really good. The Patrick Schwayze Christmas song, opening skit and final skit felt the most like Christmas. That’s what counts I guess. Everyone in the movie looks like they’re on the verge of dying or like they want to shoot themselves. Santa is unbearably perky and his laugh is grating. Little kids would love it, but I can’t stand it.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating – 0/10
Favorite Riff – ‘Hello Santa!’ “Get the hell out of my shop!”, ‘This appears to be the day everything has gone missing.’ “Including frames of the film!”, ‘There’s a doll’s head on a bear and a bear’s head on a doll!’ “Hohoho we’ll give them to dyslexic kids!”
Stinger – Voldar laughs evilly
Possible Stinger – The robot’s POV of walking towards them and the girls horrifying expression.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut-hn7sFieE
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnEJrwYXXsI
