Gamera is back and I didn’t miss him. This time there are two child leads and one of them is a white kid. Scientists hear noises from space and both them and the press believe there is an otherworldly source for alien life. He gives an explanation of all the planets and says it most be some fake planet. Then we get to see our kids…Our poorly dubbed, awfully acted, and annoying kids. For some reason the little girls are the worst of all. The Japanese kid is named Akio and the white kid is named Tom. I sense a poor future for Tom considering the last episode. They love space and they freak out when they see a UFO, but who wouldn’t. Their mother shows up and scolds them for not studying. Akio talks about how the space aliens are probably more advanced and don’t have war or traffic accidents. Cut to the morning and they are biking away to the UFO. First they see a man practicing with a wooden sword so Tom shoots his towel away or something. Then he threatens to shave their heads. The generic music makes Crow and Tom singing along to it. They find the ship then Tom and Akio walk inside. They joke that it’s time for take off and they ACTUALLY DO LIFT OFF! The dumbasses pull up the stairs and fly off. Then there are some asteroids and they still don’t know how to control the ship. The asteroid crashes into the ship smashing the hull, cracking the glass, and making them both die of asphyxiation. Sadly no Gamera shows up and knocks the asteroid away. They say they want to race Gamera, but they still don’t know how to fly it. Sadly now we hear the Gamera song sung by some annoying kids. All the while the SoL crew make fun of the lyrics.

The ship speeds off leaving Gamera. The sister tells the space ship story to her mom and she obviously doesn’t believe her. I really want to skip every scene with her because she makes me ears hurt. They land on a barren planet and they think it’s the new planet. They mistakenly call Earth a star. Then Gaos shows up! Not entirely they call it a Space Gaos because it’s painted silver instead of black. Then a river drains and a new monster shows up. This is Guiron. He is a dog like monster with a giant sword for a face. Kind of cool actually.

Gaos fires of a laser, but Guiron deflects it with the sword and the laser slices of Gaos’ leg! Gaos flies off to try and attack, but Guiron leaps up and slices of a wing. Crow is making a ton of bad jokes during this. Then Guiron chops of the other wing. Then Gaos makes noises like it’s begging for mercy, but Guiron slices of it’s head! Guiron chops the rest of the body up like a butcher.
YOU KNOW! FOR KIDS!!!
The kids think Guiron saw them, but they run into a small pyramid thing that teleports them around. They once again mistake the planet for the star and they go inside a building. The two go on a conveyor belt and they are moved all around. Two aliens watch them and they sound like annoying chipmunks. They show up with human looking bodies and they speak English with technologies. Apparently everyone mistakes Earth and the new planet Terra for stars. Speaking of which, Terra is directly on the opposite side of Earth. Makes you wonder why no one ever finds worlds like this. Another Gaos shows up so they release Guiron again. Akio once again displays his joy of a perfect world is no work, wars, or traffic accidents. Quote Crow, “What is his obsession with traffic accidents?” Guiron is their watchdog against Gaos who wiped out their entire race aside from the two of them. Within five hours the planet is supposed to freeze over. Gamera keeps flying around looking for them. The aliens say the ship can only eat two people. They plan to eat the kids. Akio looks dead eyed then one of the aliens wants to know what he’s thinking. All he has on the mind is bagels. He mentions Gamera and we see stock footage of the previous movies. Then we see stock footage of Gamera vs. Viras a movie we didn’t see. Akio wakes up and he says they both want bagels. They want to eat their brains because they think they’ll take all their intelligence.

Then cut back to Earth and the adults talk about their kids. That scene was pointless. Then cut to the cop and the girl, then cuts to them finding the bikes. They go to the empty area where the ship used to be. The best part of this scene is Tom’s mom shrugging off in the distance. The cop Cornjob believes her and sees what he could do. Tom’s mom doesn’t seem to understand the concept of humoring someone. The boys get their bagels, which I just, realized am donuts. Then they hear Gamera. The two are drugged and they are going to eat the boys. They shave Tom’s head and before they can eat him Gamera shows up. Guiron is released and the two fight. Guiron bashes the shell with his blade and blood spurts out. Gamera throws Guiron into a mountain and Gamera unleashes his fire. Then Guiron fires boomerang ninja stars that hit Gamera in the face. He feels better by rubbing his face with ice. Gamera falls into the water and it was super deep. Tom and Akio wake up and run away. They go in a teleporter and imagine if they warp into the area that was taken over by Gaos. They break off the nobs to the teleporter and gloat about how the aliens can’t come back. Ha! That’s brilliant! Except for the fact that it in no way hinders then from going there from ANOTHER teleporter and will only hinder their own escape! They are captured and are put in a cage. Proof that the kids are loud and obnoxious is that Gamera hears them at the bottom of the sea! They pull out their dart gun and shoot their way out. They accidently release Guiron and he slices the ship in half. One of the aliens broke her leg so the other kills her. They make annoying noises as they beg for mercy and I think that just makes Guiron want to kill them more. Crow compares this film to Hamlet because everyone dies. The kids escape cause of some rubble and Gamera finishes the fight with Guiron. In the final fight Gamera grabs onto a convenient pole, spins around like he’s on the Olympics, and leaps to make a sweet landing.

The surviving alien tries to power up the room and take the rocket. The kids fire the missile and Gamera catches it, then throws it at Gurion blowing up is head. The kids get inside the ship and Gamera keeps the oxygen inside by biting it. The kids finally come home and everyone arrives to see Gamera come. The kids are found and…the ship is in one piece…Odd. They say they found a planet, but they prefer the Earth. To end the film Akio once again speaks of his dream of a world without war and traffic accidents.

Opening is Crow and Tom Servo play school lunch with real food. A note from his non-existent mom embarrasses Servo. Eh. Crow has a great retort to not being allowed to eat cheese. “It was American cheese so I though it would be fine.” For the invention exchange Joel creates a collapsible garbage can for campers and his idea for a collapsible port-a-potty meets with less acclaim and the Mads do Sexy Rorschach. I would actually like BOTH of Joel’s. Next skit is Joel and the bots singing a fake American version of the Gamera song. Very funny. Next skit is VERY close after the last one. Joel cuts a sleeping Crow in half with Tom, who is dressed like Guiron. Then real Crow shows up and spoils it. That was actually really funny. Second to last skit is a long and boring sketch about the life of Richard Burton, based on the fact that the American kid in the movie vaguely resembles him. Not funny. Except all the booze and ice is kind of funny. A “Japanese” version of the Gamera song, followed by the Mads enjoying tales and songs from Michael Feinstein. Every version of the Gamera song is pretty funny. Mike’s story is funny. This is a funny episode. Not one of my favorites, but damn is it a lot funnier than I remember. The movie sucks. It has too much of the annoying kids and the little girl is the worst. The action is fine and the singing is just funny. The jokes are spot on and the skits are mostly amazing. The Richard Burton skit was long and boring while being stretched for four minutes I felt like I needed a drink. Regardless I recommend it.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 3/10
Favorite Riff – “That explains it they’re in California! Lack of water, earthquakes, giant…monsters.”, “Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat! Gamera is filled with meat! We’ve been eating Gamera!”, and ‘Those girls are cannibals!’ “They ate my hair!?”
Stinger – One of the kids saying “What a monster!”
Possible Stinger – Guiron decapitating Gaos.