Back to Gamera. The pattern is we see a Japanese Sandy Frank for every even number until episode 318. We see a news crew talking about Gamera really, really fast. Then we cut to an expressway project. They need to force people of their farmland they won’t leave the land. There’s also an eruption going off. Then we’re introduced to our comic relief builders. They aren’t funny by the way. A plane flies over the volcano and a bunch of lasers come out of it. One hits the plane and makes a clean cut through the middle and it crashed into the volcano. The builders arrive and the farmers stop protesting them. A girl shows up and tells them to leave quickly. Going by previous movie logic she is from a group of wise people who know of the monster! Then a guy on a motorcycle goes up to the volcano and the men get to destroy the builder’s site and this is so they’ll pay them more of the land or they’ll just give up. The girl asks where her brother was and her grandma says he went off a while ago. Oh no….I have a strong sense that we are close to the little kid of the movie. We see the builders aren’t really put off by the destruction of their site. They just move on. Then we see a bright blue light from the mountain and a weird smell. The people suspect its gold and think that’s why the farmers wont give up the land. The guy on the motorcycle was a reporter and he sees the kid. Ugh… The kid is annoying and is slightly less annoying than Kenny. His name is Itchy (Really he should just be Kenny) so I guess his sister’s name is Scratchy.

They find the glowing room and they see Gaos. The reporter just kind of leaves the kid, which I find quite hilarious due to how annoying he is. Then Gaos eats him. Cut to the builders in the middle of the woods not hearing or seeing him. Gaos looks really cool. He’s a giant bat like monster and he has to drink blood.

It was his lasers that destroyed the plane. Then Gamera shows up and the two duke it out. Now the builders see the giant monsters as Gaos takes the kid and doesn’t eat him! The lasers hit Gamera and boy does he bleed. His arm never comes off, but he’s repeatedly getting slashed in the same spot.

Gamera saves the kid and knocks Gaos away with his fire before Gamera flies away with the kid oh his back. The kid does not fall off or die though. The lead builder helps them both down and the music is so sad. Like Gamera just got his ass whipped and he’s hurting like hell. The kid becomes famous for riding on Gamera’s back and seeing Gaos. He says that the laser cut Gamera’s leg, when it really cut his arm. He’s saying this at a goddamn MILITARY MEETING! Also the name is given by the kid because that’s what his roar sounds like his saying. Don’t hear it. They claim the laser is loud roar that is so loud it can slice through anything. They come to the conclusion that it can’t turn its head so they should attack from behind. Then Gaos comes by and they realize that the green light shows when Gaos is going to get hungry and is about to move. Gaos’ laser humorously slices through the planes perfectly, which is just plane funny (I hate myself for that, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity). The kid talks about how he wishes Gamera’s leg to be healed, but it was his ARM! Also we see the new way how these movies go by. We get the conflict, monster shows up, Gamera loses to said monster, military stuff, annoying kid stuff, maybe a rematch, more military, Gamera comes back and wins. Gaos came by in the middle of the night and ate all the livestock. I was about to make a joke about the cars effects being fake, but this time it was an actual toy car played with by the kid. Also his grandfather is Asian Wilford Brimley. The men leave when for the time being out of fear of the monster and a lack of work. Our hero and comic relief decide to stay. The kid comes down and says that Gaos only comes out at night, but any scientist worth his salt hired to watch Gaos would know this! They now plan to use bright lights to blind Gaos in the night. They light a bunch of fires and shine bright lights to blind and distract Gaos. They wake up and fire off some signals and bright slares. They open fire of Gaos when he should be blinded and they bullets and misses just kind of bounce off him. He also shoots massive windstorms with his wings. Gaos is just the Batman of monsters. He attacks a city and it is funny how he slices a pagoda and train in half. Gaos then eats a bunch of people.

Gaos flies off when everyone turns the lights on. Then we see a hilarious shot of Gaos slicing the car in half and it just keeps going. Gamera shows up for a rematch and we still have 35 minutes left so you know how well this goes. They spend most of their time in the air and Gaos’s laser don’t do anything to his shell, but Goas sends him flying to the ocean and he wins again. The sun starts to rise so Gaos tries to flee, but Gamera has his foot in his mouth so he does the logical thing and slices his foot off. Gamera was also hit in the face by the lasers. That must hurt. The military dudes recover the foot and they start to study it. The foot was bigger and they see it was smaller when they got it to the lab. Gaos also regenerates any lost limbs. Kick ass. Sounds like it hurts though. They have an idea that light makes Gaos grow weaker and shrink in size. They bounce ideas off their head and Itchy wants to talk to the military. They have the weirdest idea EVER. They get a giant bowl of blood for Gaos to drink, but then they have a giant platform to rotate at an extreme speed to make Gaos so dizzy he doesn’t realize its day. Just mix a crap ton of Jägermeister and he won’t be able to flap his wings! Then the men accept the offer to the bridge just as they don’t know about business yet. The villagers get pissed for a second, but there’s a goddamn GIANT BAT MONSTER! Time and place! Gaos falls for this and by god is it dumb. How long is the night? Or do they plan to have him spin for an entire six or eight hours? “Just one minute till the sunrises.” HOW LONG WAS HE THERE!? The spiny thing’s engines explode and he stops burning. Then he releases….Yellow gas out of his crotch area. Something that’s annoying is that in both this and Barugon they have a fantastic plan, but it just fails. Gamera shouldn’t be needed in these scenarios and he just happens ot have more screen time in this one due to the kid. Anyway back at the village they tell the old guy that he was demanding too much money for the land and that they decided to relocate the bridge. They are rightly pissed at him because they wanted to sell the land anyway and now they can’t. Then the kid runs out crying and calling them all greedy. Uh kid they just got done saying grandpa wanted more money. I think you’re in the wrong camp. The daughter asks them to forgive the grandfather and I guess she’s right in her approach. The kid says Gamera should have no problem beating Gaos (Yet he’s lost twice already) and that he should come by and kill all the dudes who were mean to grandpa. Ah the Children of Gamera cult rears its filthy, loud, annoying head once again. They burn down the valley and mountain drawing Gamera and Gaos out. The two duke it out some more and Gamera wins this time. During the fight Gaos almost slices Gamera’s tail off. This is just depressing how easily his ass get kicked by Gaos. Several times during the fight they almost destroy the main building with out heroes. Gamera gains the edge by throwing and easily removable rock in his mouth. Gamera bites his neck and he bleeds strawberry yogurt. He wins by grabbing Gaos and dragging him to a volcano. He dies as he burns in the sunlight and on the lava. Then they sell the land and the bridge shall be made. Everyone wins! Opening skit is the bots annoying Joel with raspy voices. Not funny. The Mads’ invention is Self-Image Printers (Franks is clown and Dr. F’s is Ms. Ohio) and Joel’s is Fax Machine-Kleenex Dispenses. Then while introducing the movie Frank becomes Gamera and Dr. F becomes Gaos. Next skit is Joel trying to show us how to make a Gaos costume. The bots just keep disrupting him however. Not funny. Next skit is just odd they’re shown to be doing a Die Walküre esk show, but…with Gamera. It’s only on for like a minute before commercial. This skit makes NO sense! Next skit is also dumb. It’s Joel in his Gaos costume spinning plates. Eh. Last skit is Joel and the bots talking about how stupid the blood dizzy plan. Episode wise this is the weakest of them all, but film wise this is the best “Gamera” movie. I still think if you cut Gamera of vs. Barugon it would be the best one as stand alone movie, but this one is good enough aside from the annoying kid. The jokes fall flat, the skits aren’t all that funny, and it was a bit of a snore fest considering this is A: the third Gamera movie and B: the fourth Sandy Frank movie. I promise the next SF movie is the best one of all, but when it comes to Gamera. It’s all down hill from here. I’d skip this one.
Episode Rating – 3/10
Movie Rating –6/10
Favorite Riff – “He threw these models? They were in the last scene!”
Stinger – The comic relief guys make weird faces.
Alternate Stinger – Gaos slicing the car in half.
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLx65N0U4kg
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vL1GEK60f4