Welcome to the counterfeit Godzilla series! The first of the Sandy Frank produced movies. We start by seeing some planes flying in the Arctic and we see our heroes driving towards some Eskimo. Said heroes are a scientist, his daughter, and a young reporter. Also all of the vehicles we see are models. We see some military dudes talk for a bit and give awful line readings. Why does it make me laugh when Joel shouts, “CUT! CUT! Can we please do that again?” Probably because of how laid back he is. Well back to the action. The Americans planes are chasing some foreign planes and they fire on them when they do not identify. One of the planes crashes into the ice and leaves a giant explosion and crack. This wont end well. It apparently also carried atomic weapons! Now this really won’t end well. It awakens the giant turtle monster Gamera! He has a cool roar, but really he’s just a counterfeit Godzilla. He breathes fire and can retract into his shell land use jet fire out of the holes to fly.

The heroes are given a rock before the leave and it shows Gamera and shows Gamera is evil. Then why do kids love him? Gamera destroys a ship and planes are sent out to stop him. Cut to a boardroom meeting in New York. They talk about Gamera and that he should die of radiation. However this is a giant monster so we know otherwise. An old guy sees Gamera fly by, but mistakes him for a flying saucer. That becomes big news and we learn that the reporter who was with the man and his daughter went by drawing straws and he won. He really went because he wants to get into the daughter’s panties. Then we see a man talk to a girl about a kid named Kenny who loves his turtle. Then we get our first look at…Kenny. This is one of the many problems with the Gamera movies, but this is undoubtedly the worst. Kenny or any other person in his archetype is an annoying little kid that’s always around the action, obsesses over Gamera, goes along with ALL of the military activities (often used as a consultant too!), and breaks my ear drums by shouting “GAMERA!!!” in a loud and annoying dubbed voice. His dad and sister are jerks to Kenny about his turtle and they threaten to get rid of it when he’s away. Assholes. The kid just likes his turtle. So he throws it off a cliff. Instead of flushing it down the toilet or leaving it at the beach. Then in his time of need we see Gamera. Gamera first messes with Kenny, by making his sister think he’s imagining Gamera. Then Gamera tries to kill them! Kenny runs off to the lighthouse, but Gamera knocks it over, but Gamera sadly saves him.

Gamera is also known as the protector of all children. Ugh…We have to lvie with him for the entire movie. They then think Gamera is good. The old scientist goes to Japan to see the people who met Gamera and we see Kenny looking for Tibby. You throw him off the cliff. Crow makes jokes at Tibby’s expense, which upsets Tom. We see Tibby is actually alive somehow. The reporter appears on the plane and creepily talks about how he’ll follow the daughter everywhere.

Speaking of everywhere. Chaos is everywhere! The professor and company come to a military base and they explain the monster. Gamera trope number 2! Several scenes of military and science people discussing the monster of the movie. They try to kill Gamera with high voltage shocks and he is un-phased. Instead it renews his energy. The military ties to kill Gamera with missiles, but surprise, surprise it fails. More science talk later and we see more military failure. Kenny cheers Gamera to run away. First off why is he running up to the military people and second of all and more importantly WHY IS HE HERE?! He manages to SOMEHOW convince the scientist to not use the missiles against Gamera and they just agree with him on the spot. The commander is just like, “Why?!” An older scientist that just showed up gives a actual explanation I agree with. He lives off heat and would gain more power by the explosions. There. I am making a tally of all the scenes that don’t need Kenny. We’re at two. The first was the scene of him looking for Tibby. They get a good idea to use a bomb that harnesses Absolute Zero temperatures and that might work. Gamera thrives off heat. It’s only effective for 10 minutes so they’ll need a giant shovel! We need Idris Elba for this (That one was for you! You know who you are!)! They set up the bombs and get ready to fight Gamera again. They shoot them at Gamera and he does begin to freeze slowly. However they lack the mighty shovel of Idres Elba so they plant dynamite to blow him up. They detonate and bring the mountain down with Gamera falling on his back unable to save himself. They start to celebrate but them he starts to fly shocking all of them! The older scientist is so confused. Kenny is almost hit by a car when he trips and drops a bunch of rocks. He claims that the sack of rocks is for Gamera’s new house. Kenny shows up to a military base and I hate the girl for letting him in. Kenny talks about how great Gamera is and how lonely Gamera is. All I have to say is SHUT UP! I hate kids… Then Kenny and some kid argue about stones and the kid who took them has to go get them. Then Kenny mentally demands that they all be killed by Gamera. His sister talks about how he’s glad he threw away the stones and then later tries to comfort him, while he’s asleep. Man does everyone hate this kid almost as much as me? Then three dudes talk about how the lack of fish and a reporter talks about some flooding. Then it shows stock footage of an actual flood. I’ll admit that is a little tasteless. Also stock footage of ships exploding. Extra tasteless! In an interview they talk about how Gamera is doing all of this. They bring in some scientists and they all agree that Gamera is A: The cause of all and B: Almost invincible. They elect to do Plan Z. The plan is to get Gamera into a rocket and fire him into space. However the downside is if they fail not only will Gamera still be alive and kicking, but they shall also be put back 20 years technologically. Then Gamera attacks Tokyo. Kenny was right. Gamera does have a good heart. I’m not one to encourage bullying considering that I was a victim of bullying for many years, but I hope that when Kenny bring up Gamera in school the other kids just beat the hell out of him. Gamera has killed like…A lot of people and now he’s attacking Japan’s capital city. Some people ignore the plea for them to escape the club (I guess Kenny convinced them) and Gamera crushes them all. What a swell guy. Kenny watches Gamera and he asks Gamera to not do anything bad. I guess he didn’t see Gamera knock over the buildings, destroy the Tokyo Tower, and burn all the people to death. Kenny is missing from the group of people and his sister goes looking for him. Quote Tom – “Who’s she kidding. She’s been wishing for this from frame one!” I’d love to imagine that off screen he’s running a Children of the Corn like cult about Gamera with all the kids from the other movies. They decide to get Gamera tame by over feeding him with fire so they can put him in the ship. Then Kenny runs into the train field. Hopefully he sneaks onto one of the exploding trains. HE IS! Don’t stop him! THE TRAIN EXPLODES! HOW ARE THEY NOT DEAD!? The soldiers joke to Kenny and he looks like he’s about to cry! Useless Kenny scene 3. Jesus Christ kid! After he crushed the nightclub full of people even if I loved turtles I’d say, “This thing needs to DIE!” Reporter keeps being creepy. Jesus Christ I’m subtler! Also Kenny sneaks onto a transport boat. Oh my god! Kenny is sneaking onto the Z Plan area. Hopefully Kenny gets shot into space with Gamera where he is eaten. I’d have caned the kid. They set a line of oil on the ocean on fire to attract Gamera to the ship. Also if Gamea doesn’t leave soon the typhoon shall destroy all of Japan. Kenny doesn’t keep him away! Also I can see the flamethrower in his mouth and he runs away thanks to Kenny! The reporter starts lighting fires to attract Gamera some more. The rain comes and almost put the fire out. Gamera goes to leave again and luck being a lady a VOLCANO ERUPTS! They manage to get Gamera in the ship and they launch him into space. The end!

So that’s a total of like six scenes where Kenny could have been cut out.

Opening skit is Joel and the bots doing a vocal warm up. It’s nice to see this for some reason. Invention exchange is a bottomless salad container for Joel. Frank’s is a vacuum that cleans birdcages without taking the bird. It fails. Also Dr. F lost his ponytail. I’m going to miss that. Next skit is a reference to the turtle Tibby. Tom sings the absolutely soothing and heartwarming ballad for the turtle Tibby. He actually starting crying and gets defensive when Crow makes jokes. Quote Crow, “Did you realize a robot sing a love song to a turtle?” This is a very good song. One of the reasons why I bought the MST3K Clowns in the Sky album. Crow and Tom torture a Kenny doll and Joel tries to soothe them and attempts to give them a brighter light a Gamera. It fails. Then Tom asks what we think. Next skit is the usual hateful song and dance. Gamera (played by Mike Nelson) flies up to them and chat for a while. Also Gamera uses Kenny to keep his good icon appearance. Final skit is Tom listing off the actors of Gamera. This is not only the only Gamera movie shot in black and white, but this is the last kaiju movie to be in black and white. Interesting. I hate this movie. When it’s the military trying to destroy Gamera it’s a fine movie. I’ve seen all the Gamera movies and I’ve seen all the Godzilla movies. For a frame of reference. A good Gamera movie is equivalent to a mediocre Godzilla movie like vs. the Sea Monster and Son of Godzilla. I guess you could watch it. This is one of the good ones despite…Kenny. This is a fantastic episode! Very funny, the skits were good, the song is amazing, and Joel thanks the Mads for not sending such a bad movie. I’d check it out again.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 4/10
Favorite Riff – “Those kids at school, they tease you, Kenny. Because they’ve never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!”
Stinger – An Eskimo mutters disturbed, “Bye…”
Alternate Stinger – The shopkeeper shoves kid away and he shouts “OW!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNBItyTjS_c
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD-4XEsdYkM