The LAST biker episode. Thank god. Starts with a funeral. Fantastic sign. Some girl puts her bra on the casket. I’d rather have my body set off in a boat with all my possessions on it and someone shoots a flaming arrow at it. That’s how all the best Vikings went. The bikers don’t mourn much because one of them announces that he is the new leader. Also Ross Hagen (“Hero” of Side Hackers) is in this movie and on MST3K for the second time. Also the second of these movies with characters named Linda (Fem biker from Wild Rebels) and Rita (Ross’ girlfriend from Side Hackers). Written by the same guy as Side Hackers and the producer Anthony Cardoza worked with Coleman Francis. This name means nothing yet, but give it four seasons. This doesn’t bode well in the slightest. Cut to people biking.

One passes on drugs to the other then he drives off. The gang makes drug runs from Mexico for their kicks. The guy who got the drugs met up with some lady and she drove off. This lady is the lady who gave up her bra. She meets up with some guy and they talk about a detective and how they need to loosen up. They drive off. Cut to two people driving in front of those guys. They stop for a bit and wander, possibly to make romantic nothings. She complains to him and he goes back to the car. Some guy from the other car shoots the man and his woman finds him dead in the car with absolutely no blood around. Then we meet Ross who shall be called Hagan. Hagan meets up with some police or whatever and the woman at an airport. Okay so time for explaining. Hagan is a sergeant, the man who was just shot was a detective, the woman he was with was his fiancé, and the detective is Hagan’s brother! This was just dumped on us in about ten seconds. Slam cut to them chatting for a bit then Hagan leaves. We see Hagan and the girl (maybe it’s them) driving off on a motorcycle. Joel comes to the realization that these movies teach us that, ‘We live, we die, and there’s lots of padding in between’. They stop at an inn and we see some drunken guy annoying a girl and he gets beer on some biker that might be Hagan. I honestly don’t know. Quote Crow – “What the heck are they saying? It’s like he’s speaking in an ancient tongue!” He shoves someone over and someone announces, “He hit Danny!” At least he didn’t hit Big Jake. They get some more beers and the owner calls the detectives. I think. People sit around making out and drinking beers. Then we have a terrible song play. This movie sucks a lot.

Then they throw a guy. I seriously don’t know what’s going on or what they’re saying. I think one of the investigators shows up and he talk about a guy named Scorpio with some girl. They shouldn’t worry Inspector Callahan is already on the case. I’m making better riffs than the crew! The guy leaves, more inaudible talking, and then celebrating. Then an ass! This reeks of Coleman Francis! Some guy is painting her then the bikers show up and harass them. Then they cut away before they rape her. Cut away to the bikers. It’s not my broken headphones! I honestly can’t here this movie! Also another song. There’s still another hour. They stand around and talk about nothing some more then some of them leave. Then a knife fight. This movie just shows people standing around and occasionally do stuff. One of them wins then they Quarter a guy by tying his arms and legs to two dudes on dune buggies. WHY?! The guy on his legs droves off and presumably kills him. The music is the most concerned thing here. Hagan goes to do it next. I know he lives. Not only because he’s the main character, but because there’s another forty minutes. He lives and I guess he’s a member of the Hellcats. Would you believe this movie was originally about lesbian bikers?

Then Hagan and some girl go to have sex. Some guy hits on the fiancé and she runs off and starts hitting him. I don’t know. Hagan and the fiancé get into an argument and she storms off. I can’t wait for the end when they’re all gunned down in cold blood. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but we’re an hour in and NOTHING has happened. How come these losers and stupid bikers get these decent looking women that they ignore and beat all the time? I don’t know. Some girl and the fiancé show up to a cabin at night with two dudes and a very, very submissive girl begging to be…loved. Then the two girls just leave. That scene sure had lots of purpose. Then a motorcycle and police chase that shows the orange haired girl die, but in the next shot I think she’s fine. I think it’s her. They surround one of the guys and tell him one of the girls died. I guess they had clones. This, my friends is why movies need plot and characters. Also bike riding. More of it. The fiancé and some girl break into a place and are captured…I think. Hagan goes to save them and we cut away to another guy who got arrested. Then them being mopey at the bar. Dull. Hagan gets caught and beaten up. Okay whatever ends the movie. I think the balding guy is Scorpio. My wife’s brother. I hit her so he hit me. Several times. People stand around and chat for several minutes, but nothing happens for a while until the fiancés really easily convinces Scoprio to untie her. One of the girls somehow cuts Hagan’s bonds so they escape. Hagan tries to free the fiancé, but Scoprio points a gun at them. The other girl runs off (they show her run all the way) to a phone and call over the bikers. Cut away to some girl getting dressed and one of the investigators strangles her. Scoprio leaves to a boat, but the bikers catch up and they attack people. Sadly they all win and the movie ends. Yay. The cops should have shown up with a large gun and just killed them all.
The episode starts with Joel and the bots being sick and clad in their fancy red bathrobes. First skit starts with vapor coming from Tom’s head to make them all feel lightly better. A symptom though is flashbacks. Interesting. Then we see Dr. F and Frank in the Hobby Cycle and we finally see Joel’s experiment from last week. It’s a sign language translator. It works by talking into a tube and the fake hand signs it. Neat. Next skit Is Tom writing in his diary and he flashbacks to of the Shatner hand strangling. I support solely because of the amazing skit they reference. Tom even recollects that this was before his voice changed. Crows turn. He talks about how much of jerk Tom is. Also the flashback is the stupid zero gravity segment from Rocketship X-M. Bleh. Next skit is Joel’s turn. His flashback is the scope sketch from Jungle Goddess. Pretty funny again. Last skit is Joel and the bots trying to show Gypsy how to write a dairy. Most of the episode was repeated riffs and lines from Side Hackers. An episode I didn’t even like. Also they all wear their robes in the theater. This is a downright awful episode. The jokes aren’t funny, the movie is downright awful, and the plot is incomprehensible. The reason they reused the Hobby Cycles and skits was because most of the production staff was away. I guess that’s why they chose this movie. It’s so dull, incomprehensible, and awful they wouldn’t need to write many jokes. Just repeat lines. When it comes to technically made movies this is the worst, but I Side Hackers was more depressing. I’m not sure which one I hated more. I really, really, really don’t recommend it!
Episode Rating – 1/10
Movie Rating – 1/10
Favorite Riff – “They look as confused by the film as we are.”
Stinger – The trumpeter gets out of the lake.
Possible Stinger – Someone announces, “He hit Danny!”