The movie starts with a tiny frame that gradually gets bigger. It starts with some people side hacking. What’s side hacking you might ask? Well it’s motorcycle racing with someone in a sidecar doing stunts. Not the most entertaining thing around. This goes on for the entire credits. The credits end and he race is won by our main character played by Ross Hagen. He embraces his girlfriend and they go for a romantic walk and play around while making romantic talk. Then they roll down a hill is slow motion. Just as boring as it might sound. They have more romantic babble and she gives him a lock. Saying that as long as he has it, they will get married. So an engagement lock? Ross goes to talk about it with his buddy at work in the next scene. They talk about some romantic stuff they joke around with each other. Then they get in a joke fight and five guys show up. They visit to get their bikes fixed. The main guy’s (JC) girlfriend talks to Ross Hagen and she tries to hit on him, but he’s just to devoted to his girlfriend. JC asks about side hacking and he flips out at his black buddy Nero for getting the fixing done a few days before. Jackass. Even more so than we’ll soon see. His pal gets into an argument about JC’s girlfriend and that fact that she was ‘throwing herself around’. Cut to more side hacking. I’m honestly surprised this movie isn’t part of the trilogy of dread.

Thrilling ain’t it? 

Three movies that have long and boring scenes that goes on for WAY to long. This shows the race in its entirety and it goes on for almost five minutes. During this Cambot puts in one of his very rare riffs by putting up an ESPN like racing scorecard. Kind of funny. Ross wins the race and JC gives him a job opening in his entertainment group. JC tries it out and he flips out when he falls off. Also this is the third scene of side hacking. It thankfully ends when they crash the motorcycle through the wood fence.

Ah so JC is a Warrior of Sunlight. PRAISE THE SUN!

They go to Ross’ cabin in the woods, drink, and have fun. JC seems like a swell guy, but oh boy does he change. Ross disagrees with the idea of joining and JC gets pissed. When one of the guys asks him something he flips him over. Then Nero tries to calm him down, but he calls him a racial slang that isn’t acceptable in common tongue. Everyone is just kind of un-phased by this. Then him and Ross hug it out. Ross declines again and JC is shockingly calm. I’m pretty sure after they leave he just starts beating his girlfriend. Nero is still in the background of the house. I think he just doesn’t like JC so he decides to stay with Ross and his fiancé. JC and his girlfriend argue a bunch and JC pulls the good in bed excuse and he starts beating her. Joel and the bots do not approve. Then he goes on to say that if anyone touches her he’ll kill them. Good lord he’s unlikable and insane. JC’s girlfriend meets up with Ross and she attempts to seduce him. Dressed in her finest hooker boots. She hits on him, but he doesn’t get it. She hits on him again, but he declines her. She throws a hissy fit and storms off. They find Nero and then they cut to the girlfriend sobbing in depression about being turned down. Then she has a flashback to a few minutes ago. Specifically Ross turning her down and JC saying that he’ll kill anyone who touches her. Then she tears up her clothes. This can only end poorly. Cut to Ross and his girlfriend making love and they have romantic talk. Cut to JC and his buddies walking in to find the torn clothed and crying girlfriend. One of the guys tells them Ross is at the cabin with his girlfriend. Only ending poorly! The girlfriend and Ross talk about their future in the cabin and to fix it up. ONLY ENDS POORLY! JC arrives and…well.

The next shot is Ross waking up in the morning and all beat up. He walks out to see his car was destroyed and he starts stumbling back to the rest of the world. Okay time to explain. This movie had a rape scene. JC his other buddies show up, beat Ross unconscious, rape his girlfriend, and kill her. The crew making the show didn’t know this so when they got to it, they just edited out the scene. This also starts up the mood of the rest of the film. Dark and just depressing. He runs all the way back to his work buddy’s house then runs out and starts crying. Ross recovers and they show depressing music over the area while Ross wanders sadly. Crow just flat out admits that the girlfriend is dead because they couldn’t show it and she’s never brought up again. The romantic montage ends after a while and it cuts to JC complaining about being forced to stay in the hotel for almost ten days. Ross talks about killing JC himself so he sells all his worldly positions and then he decides to form a gang to kill JC and his buds. I’ll give this movie something. I do want to play pool. SO I guess Nero defected from JC’s group before the rape so he decides to team up with Ross to help him. Nero found some guys who would be okay with killing a bunch of strangers, but they just want some cash. OUR HEROES EVERYBODY! After getting all the money he could get they meet Big Jake. A massive body builder who wants $200 bucks to kill the guys…cause….Money talks I guess. To convince Jake of his devotion to his cause Ross punches Jake in the stomach (Not even phasing him) so Jake punches Ross and immediately joins touched by his toughness. He recruits a painter for some reason and after a bit of convincing I think he joins. One of the guys tells all this to JC. JC flips out to his buddies and has a funny dialog solely because of his poor performance. JC has his buddy Gooch spy on Ross and he flips out to his girlfriend about him killing Ross’ girlfriend. Gooch has to work as an infiltrator for JC in Ross’ group and to tell him where JC is hiding out so they can ambush Ross. To seal their agreement he just punches Gooch in the face. Good boss. Gooch is also the other guy who didn’t participate in the rape. It’s apparently nighttime, but it’s shot in broad daylight. Gooch tells Ross not to attack now and wait until morning because JC likes to drink so he’ll most likely be hungover in the morning. Good plan. One of Ross’ memebers tells a crappy joke about inmates and jokes. The joke is that in a prison everyone makes the same joke all the time so instead of saying the whole thing they just shout “NUMBER 8!” or some other number. An old convict tells it and everyone laughs. Later on a new guy tries it and no one laughs. He complains to his cellmate and he says, “Look kid. Some people just know how to tell a joke.” Not funny right? Well the guy telling this joke is just cackling up like a madman. It’s annoying and not even funny to begin with and made even less funny by him. Ross’ work buddy leaves his wife and kids to go die.

They’re also waiting in a rock quarry while they shout loudly. Oh god the annoying guy is named Crapout. He is so annoying! Gooch wakes up and leaves to inform to JC. Ross watches him elave and does…nothing. Gooch talks to JC and gets more info before for the plan before leaving. JC talks to his girlfriend and they ‘re about to make love. The girlfriend talks about how she wants to leave so in a jealous rage he strangles her. JC tries to be sympathetic then, but god damn is he unlikable. Gooch comes back and pretends to be asleep despite them seeing that he’s left. Gooch could have easily had a cover for this. They beat the info out of him and I guess they ruff him up to near death. Gooch tells them all they need to know and they have him show them where JC is. Ross tells his pal to get the cops so he leaves. Good. He is one of the characters I want to live till the end. They ambush JC’s hide out and well…everyone dies. Big Jake is shot after strangling a guy (Also a terrible effect. He’s clearly shot in the back, but the ‘blood’ (ketchup) is on his face and when he falls over no wound is on his body), Gooch is shot by JC despite him being the informant, several people are shot by Crapout and Nero, and the artist is killed at sometime, but I didn’t notice. Also Crapout and Nero just flee after they kill everyone. Of all the people that could have lived they do? I can understand Nero, but why the annoying comic relief that was just introduced. JC shouts like a madman at Ross and they fight it out. Just as the cops arrive Ross decides to spare JC, but Ross is shot in the back and dies. Then a romantic montage of Ross and his girlfriend rolling around play as he dies in the mud. So everyone is dead or soon to be arrested! Brought to you by “No Moral Theater”!

Why the actual hell would someone watch this in 3-D?

The first sketch is having Joel put the bots to bed. It shows his fatherly attitude he has towards the bots. Next skit is the invention exchange, but why would he put the bots to bed before the movie if their sole purpose is to riff the movies with him? Makes no sense. Joel’s is a radioactive slinky that is alive. Odd. The Mads was a slinky body. A slink that can put your body in two spots at once. Eh. Next skit is the side hacking song. The play music and sing a song in front of the side hacking footage. This is very common on MST3K actually. This is just the first time they do it. For a first song it’s very dull in the lyrics department, but the acoustics are all right. The next skit is the bots asking about the side hacking and how it’s no longer prevalent in society. They talk about some possible terminology for side hacking. Eh not that funny. It’s also repeating the side hacking footage we just saw sucks. Next skit is talking about how cool Ross is and they make jokes about the fact that his character named after a Nazi. Not funny. They realize that he’s actually a terrible hero and role model then joke about the crappy prisoner joke. Next up we see Mike Nelson play…for gods sake….JC! Ugh this skit sucks. Okay Frank Conniff as Gooch is hilarious and Mike plays JC actually pretty well and funny. Okay that bit saved the skit. The last skit is another song sung by Joel so he plays a parody of the song that constantly plays. A much better song than the Side Hacking Song. This movie starts as a goofy biker movie then when the rape scene happens it turns to a dark, depressing, and nihilistic movie where everyone dies. Ross seems to be a death seeker who just wants to kill JC and he even admits that he doesn’t know what do after that. The movie is among one of my least favorites solely because of how depressing and nihilistic it is at the mid point on. I consider this worse than most movie son the show because you can just feel the life and happiness drain from you as you watch this depressing as hell movie. I could at least get furious and start screaming in anger during Crawling Hand and Moonbase, but this…Nothing. I just feel depressed. The episode itself has it has rare funny moments and the two last sits are pretty funny. If it was on TV and I absolutely had nothing to do and someone with me hadn’t seen it before I wouldn’t turn it off, but I won’t actively go out to watch it again.

Episode Rating – 2/10

Movie Rating – 0/10

Favorite Riff – Combot’s scorecard & ‘You know I can’t get to you’ “There’s. A. Ladder. In. The Way!”

Possible Stinger – Big Jake – “I don’t believe it. You hit me. Did you see what eh did? I don’t believe it. He hit Big Jake.”

Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdIOMTXkfdA

Trailer – None