Welcome to the counterfeit Godzilla series! The first of the Sandy Frank produced movies. We start by seeing some planes flying in the Arctic and we see our heroes driving towards some Eskimo. Said heroes are a scientist, his daughter, and a young reporter. Also all of the vehicles we see are models. We see some military dudes talk for a bit and give awful line readings. Why does it make me laugh when Joel shouts, “CUT! CUT! Can we please do that again?” Probably because of how laid back he is. Well back to the action. The Americans planes are chasing some foreign planes and they fire on them when they do not identify. One of the planes crashes into the ice and leaves a giant explosion and crack. This wont end well. It apparently also carried atomic weapons! Now this really won’t end well. It awakens the giant turtle monster Gamera! He has a cool roar, but really he’s just a counterfeit Godzilla. He breathes fire and can retract into his shell land use jet fire out of the holes to fly.

The heroes are given a rock before the leave and it shows Gamera and shows Gamera is evil. Then why do kids love him? Gamera destroys a ship and planes are sent out to stop him. Cut to a boardroom meeting in New York. They talk about Gamera and that he should die of radiation. However this is a giant monster so we know otherwise. An old guy sees Gamera fly by, but mistakes him for a flying saucer. That becomes big news and we learn that the reporter who was with the man and his daughter went by drawing straws and he won. He really went because he wants to get into the daughter’s panties. Then we see a man talk to a girl about a kid named Kenny who loves his turtle. Then we get our first look at…Kenny. This is one of the many problems with the Gamera movies, but this is undoubtedly the worst. Kenny or any other person in his archetype is an annoying little kid that’s always around the action, obsesses over Gamera, goes along with ALL of the military activities (often used as a consultant too!), and breaks my ear drums by shouting “GAMERA!!!” in a loud and annoying dubbed voice. His dad and sister are jerks to Kenny about his turtle and they threaten to get rid of it when he’s away. Assholes. The kid just likes his turtle. So he throws it off a cliff. Instead of flushing it down the toilet or leaving it at the beach. Then in his time of need we see Gamera. Gamera first messes with Kenny, by making his sister think he’s imagining Gamera. Then Gamera tries to kill them! Kenny runs off to the lighthouse, but Gamera knocks it over, but Gamera sadly saves him.

Gamera is also known as the protector of all children. Ugh…We have to lvie with him for the entire movie. They then think Gamera is good. The old scientist goes to Japan to see the people who met Gamera and we see Kenny looking for Tibby. You throw him off the cliff. Crow makes jokes at Tibby’s expense, which upsets Tom. We see Tibby is actually alive somehow. The reporter appears on the plane and creepily talks about how he’ll follow the daughter everywhere.

Speaking of everywhere. Chaos is everywhere! The professor and company come to a military base and they explain the monster. Gamera trope number 2! Several scenes of military and science people discussing the monster of the movie. They try to kill Gamera with high voltage shocks and he is un-phased. Instead it renews his energy. The military ties to kill Gamera with missiles, but surprise, surprise it fails. More science talk later and we see more military failure. Kenny cheers Gamera to run away. First off why is he running up to the military people and second of all and more importantly WHY IS HE HERE?! He manages to SOMEHOW convince the scientist to not use the missiles against Gamera and they just agree with him on the spot. The commander is just like, “Why?!” An older scientist that just showed up gives a actual explanation I agree with. He lives off heat and would gain more power by the explosions. There. I am making a tally of all the scenes that don’t need Kenny. We’re at two. The first was the scene of him looking for Tibby. They get a good idea to use a bomb that harnesses Absolute Zero temperatures and that might work. Gamera thrives off heat. It’s only effective for 10 minutes so they’ll need a giant shovel! We need Idris Elba for this (That one was for you! You know who you are!)! They set up the bombs and get ready to fight Gamera again. They shoot them at Gamera and he does begin to freeze slowly. However they lack the mighty shovel of Idres Elba so they plant dynamite to blow him up. They detonate and bring the mountain down with Gamera falling on his back unable to save himself. They start to celebrate but them he starts to fly shocking all of them! The older scientist is so confused. Kenny is almost hit by a car when he trips and drops a bunch of rocks. He claims that the sack of rocks is for Gamera’s new house. Kenny shows up to a military base and I hate the girl for letting him in. Kenny talks about how great Gamera is and how lonely Gamera is. All I have to say is SHUT UP! I hate kids… Then Kenny and some kid argue about stones and the kid who took them has to go get them. Then Kenny mentally demands that they all be killed by Gamera. His sister talks about how he’s glad he threw away the stones and then later tries to comfort him, while he’s asleep. Man does everyone hate this kid almost as much as me? Then three dudes talk about how the lack of fish and a reporter talks about some flooding. Then it shows stock footage of an actual flood. I’ll admit that is a little tasteless. Also stock footage of ships exploding. Extra tasteless! In an interview they talk about how Gamera is doing all of this. They bring in some scientists and they all agree that Gamera is A: The cause of all and B: Almost invincible. They elect to do Plan Z. The plan is to get Gamera into a rocket and fire him into space. However the downside is if they fail not only will Gamera still be alive and kicking, but they shall also be put back 20 years technologically. Then Gamera attacks Tokyo. Kenny was right. Gamera does have a good heart. I’m not one to encourage bullying considering that I was a victim of bullying for many years, but I hope that when Kenny bring up Gamera in school the other kids just beat the hell out of him. Gamera has killed like…A lot of people and now he’s attacking Japan’s capital city. Some people ignore the plea for them to escape the club (I guess Kenny convinced them) and Gamera crushes them all. What a swell guy. Kenny watches Gamera and he asks Gamera to not do anything bad. I guess he didn’t see Gamera knock over the buildings, destroy the Tokyo Tower, and burn all the people to death. Kenny is missing from the group of people and his sister goes looking for him. Quote Tom – “Who’s she kidding. She’s been wishing for this from frame one!” I’d love to imagine that off screen he’s running a Children of the Corn like cult about Gamera with all the kids from the other movies. They decide to get Gamera tame by over feeding him with fire so they can put him in the ship. Then Kenny runs into the train field. Hopefully he sneaks onto one of the exploding trains. HE IS! Don’t stop him! THE TRAIN EXPLODES! HOW ARE THEY NOT DEAD!? The soldiers joke to Kenny and he looks like he’s about to cry! Useless Kenny scene 3. Jesus Christ kid! After he crushed the nightclub full of people even if I loved turtles I’d say, “This thing needs to DIE!” Reporter keeps being creepy. Jesus Christ I’m subtler! Also Kenny sneaks onto a transport boat. Oh my god! Kenny is sneaking onto the Z Plan area. Hopefully Kenny gets shot into space with Gamera where he is eaten. I’d have caned the kid. They set a line of oil on the ocean on fire to attract Gamera to the ship. Also if Gamea doesn’t leave soon the typhoon shall destroy all of Japan. Kenny doesn’t keep him away! Also I can see the flamethrower in his mouth and he runs away thanks to Kenny! The reporter starts lighting fires to attract Gamera some more. The rain comes and almost put the fire out. Gamera goes to leave again and luck being a lady a VOLCANO ERUPTS! They manage to get Gamera in the ship and they launch him into space. The end!

So that’s a total of like six scenes where Kenny could have been cut out.

Opening skit is Joel and the bots doing a vocal warm up. It’s nice to see this for some reason. Invention exchange is a bottomless salad container for Joel. Frank’s is a vacuum that cleans birdcages without taking the bird. It fails. Also Dr. F lost his ponytail. I’m going to miss that. Next skit is a reference to the turtle Tibby. Tom sings the absolutely soothing and heartwarming ballad for the turtle Tibby. He actually starting crying and gets defensive when Crow makes jokes. Quote Crow, “Did you realize a robot sing a love song to a turtle?” This is a very good song. One of the reasons why I bought the MST3K Clowns in the Sky album. Crow and Tom torture a Kenny doll and Joel tries to soothe them and attempts to give them a brighter light a Gamera. It fails. Then Tom asks what we think. Next skit is the usual hateful song and dance. Gamera (played by Mike Nelson) flies up to them and chat for a while. Also Gamera uses Kenny to keep his good icon appearance. Final skit is Tom listing off the actors of Gamera. This is not only the only Gamera movie shot in black and white, but this is the last kaiju movie to be in black and white. Interesting. I hate this movie. When it’s the military trying to destroy Gamera it’s a fine movie. I’ve seen all the Gamera movies and I’ve seen all the Godzilla movies. For a frame of reference. A good Gamera movie is equivalent to a mediocre Godzilla movie like vs. the Sea Monster and Son of Godzilla. I guess you could watch it. This is one of the good ones despite…Kenny. This is a fantastic episode! Very funny, the skits were good, the song is amazing, and Joel thanks the Mads for not sending such a bad movie. I’d check it out again.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 4/10
Favorite Riff – “Those kids at school, they tease you, Kenny. Because they’ve never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!”
Stinger – An Eskimo mutters disturbed, “Bye…”
Alternate Stinger – The shopkeeper shoves kid away and he shouts “OW!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNBItyTjS_c
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD-4XEsdYkM

Welcome everybody to Season 3 of MST3K. Our film is brought to use by Film Ventures International just like Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster. This time the footage is from Taur, the Mighty. However this is the first instance of FVI changing titles. The actual title is Ator 2, the Blade Master and the titular Cave Dwellers are in like one or two scenes. Take note though this is important. Half the screen is black and has the credits. The footage shows two guys running through a field. We see our Cave Dwellers sit around eating people. Most likely. More Cave Dwellers show up and there’s a random fight. Are we watching Quest for Fire? Nope that scene was pointless. Cut over to a castle. We see a scientist and his daughter Mila. He talks about finding a great bright orb (the sun?). No it’s a orb that is apparently called Life & Death and Everything & Nothing. He tells us the events of the last Ator movie to catch us up. Ator was the son of a king during the Age of the Spider and he was prophesized to end it. He was hidden away before they could kill him and he lived in a remote village until he was a young man. Then the knights attacked the village, wounded Ator, and took his bride as a sacrifice. They neglect to mention that Ator and his bride thought they were siblings, but it’s best they forgot to mention that. The man who saved him as a baby named Griba saved Ator and they went off to save his sister/bride. Ator killed a demon witch and some zombies. Then he got the Mirror Shield and fought Dark Ator (his shadow). Ator killed the villain and Griba admitted his plan to use Ator to kill the villain so he can rule the kingdom. Ator kills him and the giant spider god. Now Ator’s lady died and he lives with Thong an Eastern swordsmaster & sage. Thong is living the dream.

I’ve seen the first one. It’s a decent rip off of Conan. So just watch Conan the Barbarian! Back in present time Mila begrudgingly leaves to fetch Ator. All of a sudden the new villain Zor arrives and attacks the castle. The castle guards are killed and the scientist hides the orb. Ator apparently lives where the Earth ends so that means he is somewhere in China, Vietnam, Korea, or Russia. Since it’s obviously not Russia and the areas more of a forest than jungle we can cross off Vietnam. I’m just going to guess that it’s China. Zor wears a really stupid hat of a black goose and really fake moustache. Mila still hasn’t run yet. They talk for a bit and Mila finally runs. She fights some dudes and gets an arrow in her chest. She still manages to out run them and hide from them. Thong and Ator are forging a sword when Mila runs in and passes out. They are able to cure her arrow wound. Ator and Thong work on science as Mila complains that they can’t go right now. They lock her in a cell and he tells her to blow her way out. Not that way! She blows up the cell doors. Also I forgot to mention that Thong is mute. Because?
Our heroes
Ator tells that he knew of the orb and the three leave. Zor tries to threaten the scientist, but he talks more and shockingly doesn’t bore them to sleep. The man shows his “magic”, but I am unimpressed. As Fog of Slime People levels show up, Ator & Thong get lost from Mila, and some goons try to sneak up on them. They somehow end up in a cave and invisible Warriors attack Ator & Thong. Probably because Joe D’Am-I mean David Hills was too cheap to hire more actors. Ator & Thong throw their capes at them and kill the warriors. Then they don’t take their cloaks with them. Mila is captured by some cannibal Cave Dwellers. The Cave Dwellers try to eat her, but they are unable to due to her chest plate covering her heart. Ator takes a while to save her, but he does eventually. Ator makes an explosion from science and scares off the Cave Dwellers. Ator and Mila catch up to Thong later though. And the Cave Dwellers were never seen again. The group fights against some minions for a while and it’s a rather dull fight. Then we see another dull conversation. Then we see Thong catching fish with his hands as Ator cooks fish. Mila and Ator talk about the warriors they just fought. They are supposed to be somewhat important in someway, but I don’t know. Thong finds some people and he brings them to Ator and Mila. They don’t speak for a while, but they admit they’re from Ator’s birth land and the Huns are raiding them. The people must bring people to be sacrifice to the Huns’ snake deities. Ator tries to rally the people, but some people ignore him and he is brought sacred wine. Thong immediately knows something is up though. An old woman tells him that they plan to betray Ator, but due to his muteness he can’t do anything. Ator is knocked out as we get a shot of Ator’s package. Ator, Mila, and one of the men that wanted to fight with Ator are tied up and taken with the other sacrifices to the snake gods.

The Huns break their promise to leave the village alone and they kill everyone. Shocking I know. They manage to throw everyone in the pit with the snakes, until Thong takes forever to sneak and cut Ator’s bonds.
Our stupid looking villain.
Also snakes can growl. Also why are there skulls in a snake pit? Ator and Thong escape and start fighting, but the girl is thrown down the pit. Ator jumps down to save Mila and he starts fighting a giant sock pu- I mean snake. They escape and reach the castle. Ator has Mila and Thong enter through a secret entrance, while Ator does well… Ator hang glides in. I kid you not. He crafts himself a hang glider out of science and not just a skin and sticks one, a metal and cloth. A modern day one! This…is why I LOVE B-Movies. So Ator also drops bombs on people as Thong and Mila fight inside. Quote Joel – “What’s next he has a tank hidden in the courtyard?” Ator arrives inside and fights Zor. Ator disarms him and is about to kill him, but our boring scientist says that if Ator kills him he shall be accused of murder! Just stab him! Obviously Zor tries to kill him, but thankfully the true hero Thong kills Zor. Ator is given the orb so he runs off to hide it. Ator leaves Thong with them so Ator rides off into the distance destroyed it. The end. Also we see more footage from Taur, the Mighty during the credits.
Opening skit is Joel and the bots (Gypsy included) giving themselves new names. Gypsy is Stocker Chern, Crow is Jose Humaniz, Magic Voice calls herself…Magic Voice, Tom calls himself Sugar Magnolia, and Joel is now Chuck Woolry. A little funny. They trade names a bunch and Joel decides that they’re back to original names. Joel’s invention exchange is a literal Smoking Jacket to look cooler and it doesn’t include the cancer. Dr. F’s is Robotic Arm Wrestling, which he easily beats Frank in. Pretty funny. We’re getting a nice slope here. Next skit is absolutely amazing! They dress up in the stupid costumes with Crow as Ator, Joel as Zor, and Tom as the scientist. They have the stupid half screen view with credits rolling s they run around like madmen in slow motion reenacting the opening credits. The credits are hilarious and too good to list. Next skit is talking about how this movie has neat names to dull objects to make the sound better to compensate for having a low budget. Pretty funny. Next skit is Joel explaining the sound effects. Meat punching = punches to the gut, coconuts clang together = horse, snap fresh celery = spine cracking, and mix jello in a stocking = rubber boot in mud. Really funny. Last skit is pointing out all the continuity flaws. Such flaws are tire tracks at the end, Ator hang gliding over a city, and during the rape and pillaging by the Huns one of the cavemen is wearing sunglasses. Dr. F and Frank remind them that they are indeed evil. This is a very funny episode. The riffs are spot on, the movie is cheesy as hell, and the skits are brilliant. A perfect start to Season 3.
Episode Rating – 8/10
Movie Rating – 3/10
Favorite Riff – “Hey! There’s a monolith outside!” “Yeah everybody’s evolving and stuff! It’s really neat!” “Hey! Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Stinger – “Thong, the fish is ready!”
Episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKO6M8heGU0
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uKZTLKMgiU